Well, I'm totally frustrated. I just spent 1-1/2 hr pouring my heart out here and lost it all!!
I don't have the strength or time to go into detail of what I was posting earlier, so I'll try to give an edited version.
H and I had OR talk last night. H said he loves me, but not like he used to. He's not certain that he wants to remain married; not sure that he's totally committed to me or OR. This apparently all stems from how he feels about himself and what he's done. He simply cannot (or won't) forgive himself. Doesn't know how. Doesn't deserve it.
He told me it has nothing to do with the OW. He has no feelings for her except disgust. He does not want to be with anyone else. He feels like a failure in life, so how can he be in a loving relationship with anyone.
He says he has no passion or need for physical intimacy right now. He doesn't deserve to feel those things. He doesn't deserve to enjoy those things with me. He feels so totally disgusted with himself for having given in to his lustful feeling for a person whom he knew was no good for him; that he knew he would never want a real relationship with that he has lost all of his passionate feelings. He has no libedo. He doesn't deserve that kind of intimacy with me because he has failed me so miserably.
He wants desparately for his feelings of self-loathe to "go away" so his heart can be open for feeling passion and love again. He is hoping for a miracle. I explained that just hoping for it to be better will not make it happen. He/we need to work hard on it.
He is miserable. I think he enjoys being miserable -- at the very least, he feels he deserves to be miserable. I told him what he's told me in the past, if you want to be happy you have to make the decision to be happy. Right now he's made the decision to be miserable. And because he's miserable, he cannot do the things he knows I need him to do in order for me to heal. So, again, because he can't do those things, he feels he's continuing to hurt me, and that just makes him more miserable. He simply can't stand to see my pain and know he's the cause.
I finally understand how difficult that must be for him. I want so much to make him feel better, and there's just nothing I can do. For him, he wants so much for me to feel better and stop my pain and because he feels he's the cause of all that pain it just makes it a thousand times worse. He feels there's nothing he can do to fix this. That is very frustrating for him.
Talked a little about him leaving. That started a panic attack for him -- chest pains. I know he doesn't want to go, but maybe it's what he needs. Maybe if he's by himself he will realize all that his giving up. He says that he thinks that being on his own would ease the daily pressure of having to face me, but that he knows that that is not the answer for everything that he's feeling. He can't escape his torment. Personally, I think the pressure of being away from us would send him over the edge. But, who knows? Anyway, I told him I didn't want him to think I wanted him to pack up and leave, but that if that was what he felt was what he needed to do that I wouldn't make it difficult for him.
Before going to sleep, I put my hand on his chest and asked him if he felt in his heart that we were over. He took my hand and said, "no, no."
He told me he's amazed at how incredible I've been through all this and, of course, he doesn't deserve it after what he's done. He said if he'd had just an inkling of the ramifications his actions would cause he'd have never gone down that path. He had tears in his eyes when he said it. He says my touch is like a healing, soothing balm to his soul -- for a short time. Then all the thoughts about how he doesn't deserve to feel good, doesn't deserve my love all come back with a vengence.
My friends, my H is in such pain. I know he loves me. I know he wants to feel passion again. I know deep down in his heart he doesn't want us to be over. But I do not know how to help him. He cannot or will not forgive himself.
There is nothing more I can do, I know that. It's all up to him. I will take all pressure off of him. I will not expect anything from him, and then I will not be hurt when I get nothing from him. Maybe then if he sees he's not hurting me anymore he will be able to relax and start to heal himself.
I need to focus solely on myself and my family now. I wish I could remember what made me happy before all this started. Can't for the life of me!!
One interesting thing is that he manages to get up some jealousy where I'm concerned. I mentioned to him one of my friends here (montana) called me "babe" in a post and that I replied that I wished my H would call me that again. What H heard was some guy calling me babe -- "why did he call you that?" Told him that wasn't the point. The point was that I wished he'd call me that again. So, maybe he needs to think there's a possibility of him losing me. I'm pretty sure it would make him crazy about that. I hate playing games, though. And it could be risky in his state of mind. It was just good to know that those feelings of jealousy are still there - ya know. Means his feelings of love for me are still there, just weighted down by all the crap his piled on top of them.
I'd sure like any comments any of you might have about all this. For now I'm just going to act as if we never talked last night. Just act as if everything is going to work out in the end.
