Well, I'm back from our short vacation. We had a great time, mostly. H gets real anal about expecting people (the kids) to just "know" what needs to be done on the boat. When they don't "anticipate" what needs to be done (translation - read his mind!) he gets frustrated. And, by the way, he's taught the kids that no matter what they do or how they do it, if it's not his way it's not the right way. So, consequencely, they don't want to do anything. Anyway, he was getting very frustrated and making things generally unpleasant, so I called him a jerk. That kind of took him back. "What did I do?" Geez, Louise!! I felt bad about calling him a name, but he lightened up somewhat after that.
Lily, I'm going to have to really think about what you asked me above. Off the cuff, I'd say my PMA is high when H is acting more like his old self (before the A); not walking on eggshells around me; looking me in the eye (I think you said something in your thread about Sage not looking you in the eyes). My H still has trouble looking me in the eye - guilt. When my PMA is low H is usually in his own little world, doing his own thing. However, my PMA can go down just because I feel he's not doing enough to make things better for us, which is the way I've been feeling the past couple of days.
I was just re-reading Michele's article on healing from infidelity. In it she writes that BOTH partners need to work hard to heal the marriage. I feel like I'm doing all the work, and I'm getting so frustrated I can hardly stand it. I'm not asking for that much, but I do want things to be consistent and not just when he knows I'm at my wits end. I was up until 2:00 a.m. this morning so frustrated with him that I couldn't sleep. I had to use a lot of self-control not to wake him up and tell him to pack up, leave, and don't come back until your serious about this. I've made a lot of changes. I've done my best to make sure all his needs are met. I've tried to show him how much I love him and that I've forgiven him. I've told him that things need to be different. I have needs, too. And, you know what, considering what he's done and what he's put me through I'd think he'd be jumping at the chance to try to make things better for me/us.
The fact that he doesn't seem to feel the need to work very hard at this makes me wonder if he really wants it to work. I have a lot of doubts right now, not only about that, but also about whether I want it to work. Why won't he do the things I've told him will make this all a little easier for me? I've asked him that question. He doesn't know what I'm talking about.
I am really, really frustrated right now. I'd like to wait until C session on Friday to bring this up, but I don't think I'm going to make it.
Next week marks the 1 yr anniversary of the end of the A. I've been wondering for a couple weeks now if it will mark the end of my M. I can't do this alone. I won't do this alone. He brought the world down on us and now feels so "wretched" about himself and what he's done that he can't see it his actions in the aftermath of the A that will most likely destroy us and not the A itself.
I'm going to go make myself a drink. I'll try to post a little more rationally tomorrow.
