Thanks for following a long Matilda. I go again on Thursday and that will be my last session paid for by EAP. I need to call my insurance today and figure out how this transfers to them. But even if I have to pay out of pocket I am going to continue seeing her.
I had a lot of time to think this wekend (drove over 1400 miles) and I got some time alone with my two SIL's. I found out this weekend that one of my BIL is a recovering alcholic. He attends a meeting every morning at 6:00 am. I am very proud of him. I remember several years ago that he used to drink at family gatherings (nothing more than anyone else though), but then never did anymore. I do not know what the catalyst was that made him quit drinking, but glad that he did.
My other BIL is a mess... he is no longer married to my SIL (he is my husband's brother but I still consider his ex-wife my SIL). She and I hosted the shower together on Sunday. Anyway, he divorced his wife of 26 years and has been leading the life of a playboy for the last 5 or so.
Basically I guess DH's family is just as messed up as everyone elses. Which may explain some of our problems.
I have some reading to do from Jokerman and I am at work this morning... trying to stay awake.
I'll be back to update more later.
H and sons will be gone until the weekend. I am looking forward to this alone time.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Guilty as charged, I was absent but with due cause. I love those times together with other friends, where we all actually learn about each other, instead of just BS'ing. Glad you got some too.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I just got home from my counseling session. Why do I always feel like a used dishrag afterward?
My counselor told me to look up ACOA (Adult Children of Alcholics). I didn't even know there was such a thing and of course the closest meeting is 50 miles away. But I think this is something I would like to look in to.
We talked a lot today about the fact that it may be possible that my H knows I know about some of the things he has done and since I have not objected he may think I am in some way giving him permission to continue.
Only, how am I supposed to address that, since I only know of these things thru snooping? Which made me think of Jokerman and him being so sure that his W did not know about OWSB only to find out that she did know.
I have a lot of things running through my head and I need to figure out how to type them out in some way that will make some sort of sense.
I know one thing for sure. I am no longer afraid of going forward with this. I need to face my issues and be able to open up to my H even if it is about things he is doing that are unhealthy.
Eventually I will get to the place I can do that and it may make a change for the better or it may not. But I know at some point I have to be able to take that chance.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I just wanted you to know that I have been reading along with your sitch, catching up as time permits! I think you are doing, really really well. It sounds like the C is going well for you. I know sometimes it is hard, and after an hour, sometimes it is draining. That means you are doing the work. I am proud of you. Your posts indicate to me that you are having insights, and that growing and learning are happening - all good.
I do think it will be important for you to talk to your H when you are ready. I am really proud of how you have managed yourself, not bursting in anger AT H. When you get to the point that you are ready to talk to him about your concerns in a calm, direct manner, you will also get the best possible results. I have learned that when I react to something, it is because of something in my past. And if H reacts to you, it will be because you are a trigger to something out of his past - it is not about you. This allows me a fair amount of compassion, and nowadays a good monitor for my own reactivity so H doesn't have to see it when I am riled. It just means I have work to do, a deeper inquiry to explore. No more blaming H, or taking it personally when H blames me.
So, good work that you are doing. I am glad that you are invested in your C and seeing the value. That is huge and important, and a long way from where you were when you started posting. I am reading along, and rooting for you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
****I am no longer afraid of going forward with this. I need to face my issues and be able to open up to my H even if it is about things he is doing that are unhealthy.
I think that is a good decision. Just becareful. With his background he will be defensive. But I do not think you have the luxory of waiting. You are healing your life while he is destroying his.
Ok...I just read you initial history....I can tell you that those game sights are nothing more then legal meat markets for a lot of people...
My husband found his EA there....years go by he gets stressed and goes back to the game rooms...has another EA and this time it leads to a PA....
And yes, he also got involved with pornography too...
You have some very valid concerns here because if it doesn't stop....it will come to a head and explode..
You are the same age group as I....I too was actively participating in the bedroom...like they say a mom in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom....the only difference between your story and mine is my H always pleased me...he was always the most awesome lover...and when he had his affair I was so jealous that he shared that with another...it was twisted thinking on my part but I knew I had something special and now it had been taken from me..
I will try and catch up to your sitch later...it is late now and I have to sleep...
ImLin, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I really appreciate it. I need all the input I can get.
I was thinking last night that even when I am healthy enough to address things with him, he will not be healthy enough to receive it. As Jokerman said he will be defensive and he is very good at turning things back on me and making me feel as if I am the one who has done something wrong.
My counselor said last night I can go on pretending that the elephant is not sitting with us in the living room and risk him deciding again that he is not happy and leaving, or I can eventually say something and pray that it will instigate a change for the better.
However it may not and that is what I have to prepare for.
I now know that I can not (I'm not willing) to live the rest of my days like this. I believe that the things my H is doing are gradually escalating. Reading back over our history I am certain of it.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: But I do not think you have the luxory of waiting. You are healing your life while he is destroying his.
Just honesty here.
This made tears come to my eyes. I love my H and I want to save him from himself. But I don't think I can do that. All I can do is climb out of this hole and hope he decides to follow me instead of digging in deeper.
I appreciate your honesty.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
