Matilda the reason I am in therapy is to address the fear in me. Basically I have been "stuffing" my feelings and emotions down my entire life. now that I am trying to deal with that is it really healthy for me to just work harder to keep stuffing them down?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Hi NNP, I think you are doing great work right now. I wanted to address what you said about stuffing down emotions:
Quote: Basically I have been "stuffing" my feelings and emotions down my entire life. now that I am trying to deal with that is it really healthy for me to just work harder to keep stuffing them down?
I think the fact that you are dealing with your fears and unexpressed emotions, desires etc. is a very good thing. The goal of DBing is not to stuff them down. The goal of DBing is to discover what they are (for you!) and then to develop a sense of timing and appropriate tone and sense of compassion for others (especially H) when communicating those. If you have been holding back for years, you are like a boiling tea kettle. Best to wait until you are room temperature, so you don't irreparably scald and scar H.
In the beginning, that is why the LBS needs to keep our emotions and feelings in check. We are all over the map, the emotions are running high, and we do not want to say or do things to make our situations worse. Because once we get a hold of ourselves, we may regret it if we have let our emotions run all over our spouses and we have caused them to run even farther away.
So take your emotions, thoughts, and feelings to your C and to these boards right now. And save communications with your spouse for times when you are managing yourself well, like you would in a profession or with a friendly neighbor. Treat your H like that, with respect, so as not to do further damage to your M and R while you are working on yourself and figuring out what you want for your life. And believe me, he will notice if you grow and learn. He will become curious at some point, and stop running and begin to trust you a little, as you become trustworthy. He still cares about you. He just doesn't want to suffer anymore - he couldn't take it.
I have discovered that none of my situation is my H's fault. These are my life lessons, my choices, my opportunities to grow. So I do not need to dump on him, or even burden him with my feelings. At some point, if we are in a committed M again which we are both working on together, I may have those opportunities again. But I can tell you, I will never dump my anger on him again. I will not be the W he knew before, not ever. I am forever, fundamentally transformed through this experience. And believe it or not, I am even grateful for the shake up. I am grateful H was not willing to settle for being unhappy, even though I wasn't thrilled with how he went about it.
Good luck NNP and keep posting.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thank you PL. I actually think I am going to print out your post and take it with me today. I have not been able to put it in to words, but that is what I have been wanting to voice. I want to get to the point that I am able to deal with things, but at a slow and steady pace, not with a blow up. Which is what I was trying hard to avoid this weekend.
As for continuing to post I plan to, but it is disheartening to come here and find no responses, sometimes for days. I guess really I just need to post for me. I am sure down the road it helps to come back and read these things. I hope so any way.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I felt really good after my session last night. I see that I have much work to do on me, but for the first time I think I understand how it can happen. I think I was looking for a reason why this could not work and why this was not a good counselor. I do feel she will be good for me.
I am committed to making this work and getting through it. I am determined not to explode on my H, but to be able to slowly come to terms with myself and to be able to talk to him about things that are bothering me.
I am leaving on a short trip tomorrow and my H and kids are leaving on a little longer trip. I am looking forward to having some time to myself at home for a few days before they get back.
Also I read back through this whole thread today and I am right. It is good to go back and read, so I am going to try to write more.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
NNP, have a superduper time on your trip, enjoy! I hope I can gain some insight from your counseling sessions and dealing with stuffed emotions and fear. I'm right there with ya! Sorry I don't respond more often, but you know how it goes...I get to feelin' like who the heck am I to offer opinions and advice?!
Is H's computer still on the fritz? How's that going?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
thanks for stopping by WCW. Yes it is still "fried" and he has made no attempt to get it fixed even though all the techies where he works have offered to do it for him. I probably should not read in to it, but for some reason it makes me really happy.
He has total access to my computer but he does not use it much.
I wish I could record the counceling sessions. I am so bad at relaying what was said. I hope you are able to make some sense out of my ramblings.
I know exactly what you mean about posting or not posting. I feel the same way and it's why I have not posted on your thread. I read it everyday though. Just so you know.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: NNP1965, From what I can tell about your situation, your H is addicted to porn and may or may not be having a "virtual affair".
You go to C and the C tells you that you need to resolve some childhood issues that prevent you from confronting other's bad behavior.
Assuming those two premises are correct, here's my two cents.
As far as the porn thing, yes I've looked at porn on the web. I really do not do it much anymore, it really did not do too much for me. But I'm sure just like drugs, beer, OW whatever it can be addictive. Any addiction is not healthy for a marriage.
And if he has not already had an affair, he is starting to fantasize about it. That will open up the door if the opportunity ever presents itself.
My dad was a West Point grad and Vietnam Vet. I know what it can be like to convince people who have been in the army they are wrong.
You counselor sounds like mine. I have some issues I need to resolve before I can work on our marriage. My first counselor sucked. I told him all the ugly "issues" of my past, I honestly did and do believe that's one of the reasons my marriage in unhappy and opened the door to my affair (not using it as an excuse though). When I was finished, he had the most asinine (sp) comment to me. It was like he did not hear a word I said for the past 55 min. I strenly told him this and found another. I found one who is great. I will see her today actually.
OK there is a reason I gave you that background. As long as I never see the OW again, I have time to work on myself and still stay loyal to my wife. I have stopped the destructive behavior.
You do not have time to work on yourself and stop his destructive behavior. It may take you weeks, months or even years. Meanwhile you H is getting sucked in more and more into his addiction.
I really cannot offer any advice on what to do to prevent your H addiction. I can offer help in other areas, but marriage reconcilation. Maybe other on this board can.
Just my two cents. One thing that is becoming VERY apparent to me is the amount of love so many of you have for your spouses despite their destructive misguided behavior. It really does not give me hope in my marriage, but it does give me hope in love and the human race.
If I was wrong on your situation or if you have any other questions, please feel free to post or shoot me an e-maill.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: You do not have time to work on yourself and stop his destructive behavior. It may take you weeks, months or even years. Meanwhile you H is getting sucked in more and more into his addiction.
Thank you for the input about my sitch. I hope you don't mind, I am going to copy and paste your post so I can keep track of it on my sitch.
This really struck me and it's one of my worst fears. By me not being able to address this am I letting him down? As much as I would like to think otherwise I have no control over his addiction. I really think all I can do at this point is to work on getting myself healthy. I pray that my H will not follow through with his fantasy of having an affair, but if he does, hopefully I will be healthy and we can get through it when/if he gains the clarity that you have now found.
If anyone has any other thoughts on how to not allow my H to fall deeper, please bring it on. I am all ears.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
