I've made a decision...

[PositivelyListening]

Hi NNP, I think you are doing great work right now. I wanted to address what you said about stuffing down emotions:

Basically I have been "stuffing" my feelings and emotions down my entire life. now that I am trying to deal with that is it really healthy for me to just work harder to keep stuffing them down?

I think the fact that you are dealing with your fears and unexpressed emotions, desires etc. is a very good thing. The goal of DBing is not to stuff them down. The goal of DBing is to discover what they are (for you!) and then to develop a sense of timing and appropriate tone and sense of compassion for others (especially H) when communicating those. If you have been holding back for years, you are like a boiling tea kettle. Best to wait until you are room temperature, so you don't irreparably scald and scar H.

In the beginning, that is why the LBS needs to keep our emotions and feelings in check. We are all over the map, the emotions are running high, and we do not want to say or do things to make our situations worse. Because once we get a hold of ourselves, we may regret it if we have let our emotions run all over our spouses and we have caused them to run even farther away.

So take your emotions, thoughts, and feelings to your C and to these boards right now. And save communications with your spouse for times when you are managing yourself well, like you would in a profession or with a friendly neighbor. Treat your H like that, with respect, so as not to do further damage to your M and R while you are working on yourself and figuring out what you want for your life. And believe me, he will notice if you grow and learn. He will become curious at some point, and stop running and begin to trust you a little, as you become trustworthy. He still cares about you. He just doesn't want to suffer anymore - he couldn't take it.

I have discovered that none of my situation is my H's fault. These are my life lessons, my choices, my opportunities to grow. So I do not need to dump on him, or even burden him with my feelings. At some point, if we are in a committed M again which we are both working on together, I may have those opportunities again. But I can tell you, I will never dump my anger on him again. I will not be the W he knew before, not ever. I am forever, fundamentally transformed through this experience. And believe it or not, I am even grateful for the shake up. I am grateful H was not willing to settle for being unhappy, even though I wasn't thrilled with how he went about it.

Good luck NNP and keep posting.