Quote: I am too fearful of the consequences to address it.
I didn't need a counselor or the many people here to tell me this, I knew it on my own that it was/is my problem, and I am working on it. For yourself, have you thought about the consequences? logically, without emotion. Pros and cons, had the conversations with yourself?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
This is the biggest obstacle to overcome. Fear. So I don't in any way blame you for feeling so trapped. You're the only one who can get you out of that trap though.
If you are going to be by yourself or with another, you don't want to live as a prisoner of fear.
Think about it this way: you are in a position where you can take a calculated stand. You don't need us to tell you that if you don't act, you have in a sense acted, and this will have its own consequences. If you want to act, and you know what you want to say - but can't because of your fear, then yes, I think you owe it to yourself to communicate this. Maybe you need to write a letter just so you can say everything without your fear preventing you from getting everything you want to say out. Now, I'm not sure if by confrontation you mean that you are going to give him an ultimatum - because I don't really think that that's wise unless you have made sure that you can be on your own. You need to be able to follow through - and even then it can backfire.
I'm not sure if I've helped you any here. I wish you the best.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I'm sorry you're having a rough week. My father too, was an abusive alcoholic. And yeah, when sober, the nicest guy in the world. Part of how I am today is because of my fathers alcoholism. I can't express myself properly to the people I care about the most because my father took precedence over everything. Was daddy coming home drunk tonight? If he was, was Mom going to put us in the car and take us somewhere else to sleep? Ok, Daddy came home sober. Phew. We can sleep in our own beds tonight. Because our lives revolved around the alcoholism, no one had the time to hear us kids. No one listened if we had a problem; we had no one to talk to about things. We were left to ourselves, to figure things out and deal with them ourselves. Consequently, my communication skills suck!
I don't know why I put this in here, but, I guess because I can sympathize with you.
As for your C, she doesn't really sound too Solution Based. Ok, so you fear the consequences of telling the truth. Who doesn't? But, you know that. And you need to find out how to overcome that fear.
And, WTH? Start out by confronting your H about this whopper of an issue? I don't have a psych degree or anything, but, isn't it a better idea to perhaps start with something "small" - just to, at the very least, build up the self-confidence in yourself so that you can move on to bigger issues? If you were to confront H about this right now, and say it went badly - wouldn't that completely put the fear in you forever????? Or am I way off base here?
Starting out with little things; being assertive; building your self-confidence and building a more positive self-image of yourself. Who knows, as you become more sure of yourself, become less fearful of what's going to happen when someone doesn't agree with you or things don't go as well as you'd like - maybe it will incite change in your H as well.
NM, thanks for the input. My counselor was not suggesting in any way that I confront my H at this time. She was saying what a true solution based theripist would say to do. Not sure if that is true or not, that is why I was asking.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I have had a couple of rough days. Something happened to me on Friday and many of the feelings that I have been "stuffing down" over the years would not stay down.
Luckily God in his wisdom had my H stay out of the house Friday evening... when he got home at 10:00 I excused myself and went to bed, then I had to get up early yesterday and was gone (GAL ) for most of the day.
What occured to me on Friday was that I have let my H (not really , maybe it was me) turn me back in to a scared child and I am mad as hell about it.
You see when I was growing up I made a conscious decision at about age 12 that I was going to stay at home and get an education and not leave until I was able to never have to come back.
I had seen my older half siblings get out of the house as soon as they could by getting pregnant and having to get married... or other destrutive behavior that caused each of them to come back home over the years.
I thought once I was an adult that I would be able to move on from the things I had endured. After I finished college I got a job and after about a year I moved out and while I visited I never went home to live or even spend a night again until after my father died.
I thought I was somehow beating the system I guess that I could just go on and live my life from there and never have to think of things in the past.
I did enjoy my life. I did what I wanted to do and I looked for what I thought would be a very good man to marry. I did not find that man until I was 28. We married 2 years later and then 5 yearts after our wedding we had DS12 and DS 10 came 15 months later.
Now I feel like I have been asleep and during that time I was turned back into the small fearful child I used to be. How did I let this happen? Did I somehow unwittingly choose a man knowing or expecting for things to turn out like this?
I will never be a WAW, but at some point I will get the courage to address things with my H. I don't know how or when but it will happen.
I had not planned to see my counselor this week as we are getting ready to go on vacation, but I am going to call her Monday and ask to see her. That is if I survive today with out blowing up. I can tell you if my H had come home on time from work on Friday that would have happened!
I was lucky enough to see a good friend of mine who I confide in yesterday. She told me that while H has made rumblings in the past about leaving that he has never once been faced with losing me. I guess that may have to happen, as right now I see him as less than a desirable mate.
I need to get strong enough to not be fearful of the consequences of setting some boundries.
I hope you all have some words of wisdom for me here to get me through today.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I subscribe the the daily email devotionals that my church send out and this just came:
Quote: Prayer: Jesus, chase away my fears, whatever they may be. Especially when sin, my sin, fills my heart with fear, remind me you have erased my sin. When death brings tears to my eyes, fill my heart with your joy. Give me the certain hope I will live again because of you. Amen.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I'll be seeing my counselor tomorrow after work. The urgency I felt early in the weekend passed somewhat and I have been able to keep my emotions and feelings at bay.
Still not sure if that is a good thing.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
) for most of the day.