I've made a decision...

[NNP1965]

I have had a couple of rough days. Something happened to me on Friday and many of the feelings that I have been "stuffing down" over the years would not stay down.

Luckily God in his wisdom had my H stay out of the house Friday evening... when he got home at 10:00 I excused myself and went to bed, then I had to get up early yesterday and was gone (GAL ) for most of the day.

What occured to me on Friday was that I have let my H (not really , maybe it was me) turn me back in to a scared child and I am mad as hell about it.

You see when I was growing up I made a conscious decision at about age 12 that I was going to stay at home and get an education and not leave until I was able to never have to come back.

I had seen my older half siblings get out of the house as soon as they could by getting pregnant and having to get married... or other destrutive behavior that caused each of them to come back home over the years.

I thought once I was an adult that I would be able to move on from the things I had endured. After I finished college I got a job and after about a year I moved out and while I visited I never went home to live or even spend a night again until after my father died.

I thought I was somehow beating the system I guess that I could just go on and live my life from there and never have to think of things in the past.

I did enjoy my life. I did what I wanted to do and I looked for what I thought would be a very good man to marry. I did not find that man until I was 28. We married 2 years later and then 5 yearts after our wedding we had DS12 and DS 10 came 15 months later.

Now I feel like I have been asleep and during that time I was turned back into the small fearful child I used to be. How did I let this happen? Did I somehow unwittingly choose a man knowing or expecting for things to turn out like this?

I will never be a WAW, but at some point I will get the courage to address things with my H. I don't know how or when but it will happen.

I had not planned to see my counselor this week as we are getting ready to go on vacation, but I am going to call her Monday and ask to see her. That is if I survive today with out blowing up. I can tell you if my H had come home on time from work on Friday that would have happened!

I was lucky enough to see a good friend of mine who I confide in yesterday. She told me that while H has made rumblings in the past about leaving that he has never once been faced with losing me. I guess that may have to happen, as right now I see him as less than a desirable mate.

I need to get strong enough to not be fearful of the consequences of setting some boundries.

I hope you all have some words of wisdom for me here to get me through today.