I've made a decision...

[NNP1965]

Thanks WCW, things at home "seem" real good. A lot of that has to do with the fact that H's computer blew up. Seriously, how did I get so lucky?

I am trying to keep an open mind about the counselor and counseling as opening up about anything is so hard for me. It is difficult though as per EAP I am only allowed 6 sessions... I am determined to keep at it though. I hope I do not end up having to pay out of pocket, but it may come to that.

[grasshopper]

Ah, ok. Like I said, I don't know the process. And to WCW, like I told NNP, her's was the first bad experience I read about since joining here 7-8 months ago. That's NOT to suggest she's wrong in any way. Actually I wanted to know more about her experience because I was a little suspicious of SO many people, 100% in fact of the posts where I read about consultations, having positive experiences. I thought NNP would just represent an otherwise silent (as far as I'd seen) group of people NOT enamored with the experience.

GH

[WCW]

GH, I agree, most post about the great phone consultations. DonH, Classic WAW in Newcomers, had numerous phone consultations and while he thought somewhat helpful usually debated if it was worth the cost. There was some others unenamored, but I don't recall the individuals. I think counseling in general is tough, and IMO it would be even harder over the phone.

NNP - mysterious computer ailments? what a shame.... How are you making the most of this lucky windfall?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi NNP (& Grasshopper, WCW, & all),

I am one of those folks who has done a fair amount of therapy, personal growth seminars, coaching, and have had 3 DB coaching sessions. I work in education/human development/mental health arena also, so I am surrounded by professionals in these arenas. As may be apparent, I have a bias that looking at yourself and choosing to grow is helpful. "Scary", perhaps although like any good thing, I love that feeling now as I know I am growing and I know the feeling means I am on my way to something new and likely improved for me, as I have done it enough now to enjoy walking into the "not knowing" and the "what is possible" with a certqain sense of "oh, goody!". I don't always feel that way right away. My current marriage crisis feeling like a great example of "this sucks worse than anything ever" when it first hit. Believe it or not (and this was not the first time this has come up in the past 6 months) I was thinking today about how grateful I am for my H's MLC and A because of the growth it is causing for me. H said something similar at one pont too, that it was "forcing us out of our comfort zone" and although I think I wanted to pop him one at the time, this is correct and a good attitude about the possibilities that open up when the rotten stink festering under the surface hits the light of day. Some people might think "all that personal growth work and she's not fixed already?" Well, I believe I am never done growing 'til the day I die, so best make good use of my time! Some C's are a waste of time IMHO, and I have found EAP C's to be some of the worst possible. But that is just my experience, it does not mean that yours NNP is a bad one. But I have found that I get some value out of everyone (including free things like going to church) but sometimes some professionals charge more because they can because they really are better. Of course, some just have good advertising and you are paying for that.

I have had 3 sessions with DB coach Chuck, and I do not find it really profound. But I do find it very encouraging, and very focused on what I wanted to be focused on - using Michele's techniques to work to save my marriage. I paid for a package of 3, did not plan to use any more than that, then ended up signing up for 3 more sessions which I have not used yet. Expensive - yes - but not any more than personal coaching costs anywhere else. The going rate for professional coaches is $150 - $200/hr, so they are right in the ball park. Phone coaching is a really common practice, and I prefer it because there are few disctractions and I find it more effective to an action-oriented approach. However, I am an auditory learner too, so learning by listening and talking (and listening to myself talk) is my best bet.

OK, enough! I just wanted to say mostly, that your life, your future, your goals are up to you. How you get there is ultimately decided by you as to what is best. But a lot of people are so afraid of the initial "scary" feeling of realizing that they will not be the same person if they continue, that they run from that. Make sure you have found out what works for you and what doesn't, from a plusses/minusses perspective, not just an emotional reaction one. Personally, I believe that money should not be the reason for doing something or not. I believe money can be an excuse to withhold pleeasure or growth from yourself indefinitely. We make choices all the time about how we spend $$. It is much more powerful to get you are choosing not to spend money on something, than to pretend you can not afford it. Some things are worth the money, and you re-prioritize. For example, I am spending a lot less on groceries right now, and have found that is working better for me now that I am exercising more and spending the $$ on getting a massage once a week instead. I think we get value in life from what we make a priority. So if your M is your priority, or better yet, your own health and well being, put money, energy and time into that, and see what happens.

One more thing you said NNP. I was worried when you mentioned that you could not be sure that you could arrange an hour to yourself for a coaching call, private and uninterrupted. Wow. I suggest that you go buy a phone card and find a cool comfortable phone booth in a classy hotel for your hour call. I dunno. There are lots of choices here, if you WANT something. I think your current parameters/POV are limiting your options of what is possible, and I would encourage you to be bold and step out of what you have usually done to take care of yourself. I think you can have whatever you really want, if you are really committed.

[Matilda2]

I would encourage you to be bold and step out of what you have usually done to take care of yourself. I think you can have whatever you really want, if you are really committed.

--------------------
PositivelyListening


Just reading along and this touched my heart. Thank you.

[NNP1965]

My third counseling session is this afternoon. I'm really nervous about it. I am not a stupid woman, but I find myself totally not understanding what is being said when people talk about counseling.

I appreciate all of your input... and I think that today I am going to ask the counselor if she is planning to focus on solutions to move forward or my past, because if it is the past then that is not what I am looking for. How much of the past should play in to counseling?

[grasshopper]

How much of the past should play in to counseling?

It's funny, I think people either think of therapists as quacks or psyche-gods and there is not much wiggle room in there. It clouds our perspective when it comes to figuring out if we want to confront them on things we think are wrong with their approach.

I think your plan of asking her for what you want, or if she is planning to do what you want is a GREAT one. YOU are paying her, and while she DOES supposedly have SOME idea of what she's doing, YOU ultimately make the decision to keep going.

As far as how important the past is in therapy, it GREATLY depends on the therapist and their school of thought. A great many therapists are of the Freudian ilk and will relate EVERYTHING back to your childhood as they believe that all our adult issues stem from unresolved childhood issues and that many of our relationships are shaped by our relationship with our parents. Also, many therapists see the therapy process as LONG and ongoing, not something suited to immediate gratification. That's why SBT is kinda radical because it stresses results and a process that can be quantified and NOT lasting forever.

My therapist is Imago trained, which puts a LOT of focus on the past but for some reason, my C is able to set aside that notion for me. I told her early on that I really didn't want to focus so much on the past and she agreed not to. I don't know if that's really rare, but it seemed to work for me. Also, since she has been really good about not pushing the "Freudian" stuff, I actually have "let" her introduce some of it into what we do and you know what, I learned a LOT from that. Actually, it was a regression thing she did (sorta like hypnosis, which like the rest of the "therapy" thing, I never believed in much) that REALLY thought me a LOT about my childhood and some of the social issues I have now. It was a lot more about realizing that these issues I have now have been around for a long time that anything else, and as such, I should not be worried that I cannot change them overnight.

Anyway, enough about me. What I am saying is that to ME, your therapists willingness, and ABILITY to slightly alter her approach in your sitch is a sign that you can trust her to keep your current desires in mind. Of course, realize that this woman is in the business of selling hours of time and while I don't think that makes her inherently conflicted of interest, I do think it should make you wary enough to just ask for what you want and either get it, or get a good enough reason why she can't or won't give it to you.

GH

[WCW]

I like the idea of your direct approach to ask her to focus on solutions. History can be relevant but doesn't need to take up the session. What is your goal(s) to achieve from counseling?

ps- PL, love your post.

[NNP1965]

Well I am not sure I can explain it to you guys, but I am going to stay with this counselor and I am committed to staying in counseling. Not sure my insurance will pay for this after my EAP sessions are up, but I will find a way to pay for it.

crazedmom, thanks for hunting me down. I posted on your new thread.

[NNP1965]

One thing I am confused about and maybe you guys can help me...

The counselor said that a true solution base counselor would tell me I need to go home and confront H and if I did not I need to bring her a letter to mail to him (basically forcing confrontation). she knows I am not ready for that, I know I am not ready for that. and I doubt that you guys think that a SBC would say that.. or do you?

I don't know if this is too much info, but I want to post this here to have a record.

My Dad was an alcoholic and could be (and was) abusive. He was also "the nicest man in the world" as many, many people have said to me over the years.

The counselor said yesterday that one reason I can not bring myself to face the truth now is that as child I was so fearful of telling the truth. ...and while I loved my Father but also hated him intensley that is all kind of entertwined in how I feel about my husband right now. I love him, but I hate the things he is doing.

she used an analogy about weight... Logically we all know how to lose weight, but we (me especially) may not be able to follow through with that for what ever reason.

Logically I know what my H is doing is wrong and deceitful and I hate it, but I am too fearful of the consequences to address it. Obviously I do not choose to address it for DB purposes, but even if I chose to, I know (and the counselor agrees) that I would not be able to out of fear. she used the word paralized and that is honestly how I feel much of the time.

Am I making any sense to whoever is reading this?