Quote: What I fear being blindsided by is him seeming (pretending??) to be happy and fine and then saying he's not and does not want to be married anymore.
You mean like you've been pretending that his affair didn't cut into your soul like nothing else you've ever experienced only to one day unload on him because of all the pent up pain?
My point is that sure, he may be doing a certain amount of "putting a happy face on" and MAY be deceiving not only you, but himself in the process, but so what. There are no guarantees in this life and you don't know what his feelings will be tomorrow any more than he does.
So that brings us back to working on the REST of your marriage and the fact that we all have to take risks in this process...big risks. I am not saying you have to trust him but you do have to open up a bit and risk being hurt, and eventually, yes, you will have to trust him again for this to work. That trust will be the final "opening up" to him but you will do it this time with the full knowledge that he may hurt you, just like anyone else you open up to. The difference will be that you will recognize that you ALLOW him to have that power and if he misuses it, you can simply take it away.
Quote: I know I have to stop snooping, it is doing no one any good, least of all me if I am going to stay in this sitch.
That is what I mean. If you want this to work, you can't base all your decisions on snooped info because it will probably lead you to think things that may not be true. If you snoop and find nothing, it DOES NOT MEAN there is nothing going on just like finding her number in the "recently called" list does not mean they are sleeping together. I agree with your idea to stop snooping.
Quote: My second counseling session is this afternoon. I am not nervous like I was last week, but I have this feeling of dread. Almost like "what can she tell me to make any of this better"? She can't tell me anything so why even go? I know that is the wrong attitude to have and I am trying to stop it! Maybe she will surprise me and I will come away from this session with a sense of how this is supposed to work. Counseling I mean.
First of all, if you want to know how C is supposed to work, just ask her directly. Tell her your concerns about the process. Tell her you are looking for her to give you some answers and some direction. I don't think she'll respond by doing that but she may be able to tell you what she plans to do to help you achieve what you want to accomplish, and BTW, did you tell her what that is?
Therapists often get a bad rap because they are seen as nothing more than "yes" men, people who just let us try to figure out our own problems and charge us $100 an hour to do it. The fact is that yes, they DO mainly listen and help US fix ourselves but you know what, that's because we usually have the answers already but aren't sure if they're right.
Another thing is that the first few sessions are usually all about her listening to you and trying to get a handle on the sitch. She can't be expected to recognize your core issues and start giving you advice from the get-go. This process takes some time, but as I said, the way I confronted similar concerns was to just ask. My curiosity about the process actually became a good way for my C to start me thinking about a lot of things.
In the end, I think if your C gets you thinking, and most of all, gives you a safe place to be open and honest to a real human being for a change, it's all good. She will not GIVE you all the answers you are looking for, but if she's any good at all, she will let you find them on your own and then tell you when to stop looking.
Please, open your mind to this and try to have a good attitude. This is truly one of those times in life where you get out what you put in.
