Well we had another great weekend. Lots of laughs, lots of all initiated by me but seemingly eagerly accepted by him.
I am back to perfecting my acting as if. I go to the counselor again on Thursday. I guess we just go on this way until something happens to upset the perfect pretend world we live in.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I came to a realization that the reason it is so hard for me to stop snooping is that I am terrified of being blindsided again. Knowing that does not make snooping the right thing to do and I will still strive not to, but it does make sense as to why it is so hard for me to stop.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Ok, here's my new take on snooping. Mind you, this IS slightly different from my usual "no snooping ever" rule, and it IS only my opinion but here goes...
IF you are snooping to find out if something you DO NOT ALREADY KNOW is going on, i.e. you don't have a clue if your spouse is cheating on you or not, then fine, snoop and find out. THEN QUIT.
IF you are snooping to find out the details of the affair, or hoping to find out it's over, or any other reason, you're wasting your time and making things worse for yourself.
Also, in general, if you can avoid snooping for ANY reason, then do so because it's almost a universal that nothing good comes of it. It brings pain and suffering to your life even more than not knowing does.
So, NN, in your case, while I get why you do it, are you sure you need to? What are you going to be blindsided by? If you say an affair, then either you think the old one is over and will come back, or you think he'll cheat again, right? Well, why is that? Are you working on the "rest" of your marriage.
I know where you're coming from. I want to snoop SO badly to see if my W is in contact with OM. I am starting to think I can just check once (actually I know I can because I did it long ago...just once) to see and then let it go. The thing that stops me is that I know I am not ready to find out that she is in contact with him and finding out that she is would send my mind racing in a million directions, 999,999 of them wrong.
And that's the real problem with snooping. It makes us think we know something we don't. Context is everything. I am a part-time reporter and have spent the past 10 years covering sports. I know first hand from standing next to an athlete who says something in context and the next day it's printed in the paper with a TOTALLY different meaning because it's removed from that context. No matter what you read in an email, or see on a phone, you DON'T know all you think you do. The only thing you REALLY know is that they're doing something that you don't agree with and are being dishonest about it...and you knew THAT before you snooped.
That is an interesting view Grasshopper. What I fear being blindsided by is him seeming (pretending??) to be happy and fine and then saying he's not and does not want to be married anymore. WHACK!!!
I know I have to stop snooping, it is doing no one any good, least of all me if I am going to stay in this sitch.
My second counseling session is this afternoon. I am not nervous like I was last week, but I have this feeling of dread. Almost like "what can she tell me to make any of this better"? She can't tell me anything so why even go? I know that is the wrong attitude to have and I am trying to stop it! Maybe she will surprise me and I will come away from this session with a sense of how this is supposed to work. Counseling I mean.
I did not post about it, but this past weekend H and I actually touched on some hard to discuss subjects. I am pleased because (to my knowledge) there were no hard feelings afterward. I see this as a definite baby step.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: What I fear being blindsided by is him seeming (pretending??) to be happy and fine and then saying he's not and does not want to be married anymore.
You mean like you've been pretending that his affair didn't cut into your soul like nothing else you've ever experienced only to one day unload on him because of all the pent up pain?
My point is that sure, he may be doing a certain amount of "putting a happy face on" and MAY be deceiving not only you, but himself in the process, but so what. There are no guarantees in this life and you don't know what his feelings will be tomorrow any more than he does.
So that brings us back to working on the REST of your marriage and the fact that we all have to take risks in this process...big risks. I am not saying you have to trust him but you do have to open up a bit and risk being hurt, and eventually, yes, you will have to trust him again for this to work. That trust will be the final "opening up" to him but you will do it this time with the full knowledge that he may hurt you, just like anyone else you open up to. The difference will be that you will recognize that you ALLOW him to have that power and if he misuses it, you can simply take it away.
Quote: I know I have to stop snooping, it is doing no one any good, least of all me if I am going to stay in this sitch.
That is what I mean. If you want this to work, you can't base all your decisions on snooped info because it will probably lead you to think things that may not be true. If you snoop and find nothing, it DOES NOT MEAN there is nothing going on just like finding her number in the "recently called" list does not mean they are sleeping together. I agree with your idea to stop snooping.
Quote: My second counseling session is this afternoon. I am not nervous like I was last week, but I have this feeling of dread. Almost like "what can she tell me to make any of this better"? She can't tell me anything so why even go? I know that is the wrong attitude to have and I am trying to stop it! Maybe she will surprise me and I will come away from this session with a sense of how this is supposed to work. Counseling I mean.
First of all, if you want to know how C is supposed to work, just ask her directly. Tell her your concerns about the process. Tell her you are looking for her to give you some answers and some direction. I don't think she'll respond by doing that but she may be able to tell you what she plans to do to help you achieve what you want to accomplish, and BTW, did you tell her what that is?
Therapists often get a bad rap because they are seen as nothing more than "yes" men, people who just let us try to figure out our own problems and charge us $100 an hour to do it. The fact is that yes, they DO mainly listen and help US fix ourselves but you know what, that's because we usually have the answers already but aren't sure if they're right.
Another thing is that the first few sessions are usually all about her listening to you and trying to get a handle on the sitch. She can't be expected to recognize your core issues and start giving you advice from the get-go. This process takes some time, but as I said, the way I confronted similar concerns was to just ask. My curiosity about the process actually became a good way for my C to start me thinking about a lot of things.
In the end, I think if your C gets you thinking, and most of all, gives you a safe place to be open and honest to a real human being for a change, it's all good. She will not GIVE you all the answers you are looking for, but if she's any good at all, she will let you find them on your own and then tell you when to stop looking.
Please, open your mind to this and try to have a good attitude. This is truly one of those times in life where you get out what you put in.
I don't really know how to answer how it went. I am scared. She said that I am living in a fantasy world (which I already knew) and that if I do not want to face the truth I should not come back. that is not to say that I have to do anything with the truth (like end my marriage).
She got me to open up about some things from my past and I now realize that I have turned into my Mother. My Mother turned a blind eye to things my father did, just like I am doing with my Husband. Basically my whole life has been one of keeping secrets... no wonder it is so easy for me to perpetuate that in my marriage.
I made another appointment for next week. I am not sure this is the right thing to do though. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated. Thank you to all of you who have been responding to me. It really does help.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
all initiated by me but seemingly eagerly accepted by him.