"I'll think about it tomorrow!"

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by matilda:
So without much physical intimacy right now for me things tend to get blown out of proportion.

It’s funny how that works. Not funny – HaHa – Funny in the bad way. As you know, I’m struggling with that very thing. Wish I had some advice, but I haven’t found a solution myself (sigh)

I guess what I’m doing is to not talk about it and try to let it pass. Of course, it’s hard because I don’t know if it will ever pass. It’s quite possible that this is my life from now on.

But, I’ll think about it tomorrow.

You’re in a low right now, Mattie. All I can suggest is to ride it out.

{{{Matilad}}}

Andy

[matilda]

Well last night was better.

H came home in a very affectionate mood last night. Maybe he was trying to side step any face-to-face conversation about his slip on Friday, or maybe he was sensing I'm starting to withdraw emotionally, I don't know. All I know is it was nice and it helped. Does anybody have a hammer out there that I can use to drive that fact into my H's skull?

Anyway, he just hung around me most of the evening trying to engage me in conversation and being very helpful and considerate. I was a little stand-offish. That didn't seem to detour him. After dinner he took youngest S out driving (he takes his driver's test next week), then stopped to buy something my brother needs for his boat (brother and family are staying at Disneyland until Weds). When they returned, I was upstairs watching a show I taped. H came up and just kind of hung around, picking up a few things, then finally sat on bed and asked a few questions about the show. Then he went down and worked with youngest S on geometry for his final exam today. Everytime I walked by them, he acknowledged me, saying things like, "I'm almost done. I'll be right up." He was working with S, and that made me happy. But 45 minutes after bedtime when he still wasn't upstairs I started getting upset. Okay, I guess he's just trying to avoid me. I managed to get myself angry.

Well, H then came scurring up saying he was sorry, but he was worried about S's test today. S really needed help. I wasn't saying much -- still a little stand-offish. H didn't let that stop him last night. The evening ended very well , and, yes, I guess my PMA is up a little today.

So, what does it take? Does he have to be worried that I've run out of patience with him? Does he have to think I'm angry with him (he hates it when I get mad at him)? Why can't he just be like that all the time (most of the time is fine)? When he acts like he did last night I can forget everything else. That is the man I fell in love with in the first place. Do I need to be stand-offish all the time in order to get what I need from him? I hope not because I also like pursuing him sometimes. I want to be able to grab him and kiss him whenever I want.

I really don't think I'm asking too much of him. Just a little extra effort on his part to make things easier for me to put the past aside.

Thanks for the hugs and encouragement.

Matilda

[ANS]

quote:Originally posted by matilda:
So, what does it take? Does he have to be worried that I've run out of patience with him? Does he have to think I'm angry with him (he hates it when I get mad at him)?

Maybe that’s what it takes, Matilda. Sure seems like it, doesn’t it?

quote:Originally posted by matilda:
Why can't he just be like that all the time (most of the time is fine)? When he acts like he did last night I can forget everything else. That is the man I fell in love with in the first place. Do I need to be stand-offish all the time in order to get what I need from him? I hope not because I also like pursuing him sometimes. I want to be able to grab him and kiss him whenever I want.[QB]

Have you told him this?

quote:

---

Originally posted by matilda:
[QB]I really don't think I'm asking too much of him. Just a little extra effort on his part to make things easier for me to put the past aside.

I don’t think it’s asking too much, either. Does he?

Maybe you have asked him, Mattie. If you haven’t, then I think that perhaps you should. If you have, maybe it didn’t sink in. I think you should tell him again.

And… If necessary… again, and again, and again…

Most people on the boards are afraid of nagging. They don’t want to appear controlling. But, in your case, I think telling him this would be a sign that you care.

You back off, and he pursues out of fear. I think that if you tell him your needs and desires, he just might react out of love instead of fear of losing you.

Recently, my W ordered me to go to the doctor and get a few things checked out. They were things that I already discussed with my doctor, and they’re insignificant. I told her so, but she wants them re-checked. She said that she doesn’t want to control me, but for this she’s putting her foot down.

Did I feel nagged? No. I felt like she cared about me.

[matilda]

Andy,

Yes, I've told him many,many times. He's slowly coming around. I think he's just so wrapped up in how bad he feels he forgets to worry about how I'm feeling. Or maybe he's afraid to even think about what I'm feeling.

I think tonight I'll give him a little positive reinforcement. I'm going to just tell him how much I liked the way he interacted with everyone last night, and just leave it at that. I don't want to make too much of it -- don't want to scare him off!!

We'll see how things go tonight. We're getting ready to leave for Lake Mead tomorrow afternoon. I'll try to get back here before we go. If not, I'd like to wish all of my boyfriends a very happy Father's Day.

Love to you all,

Mattie

[ANS]

Bingo!

[montana_kl]

quote: I'd like to wish all of my boyfriends a very happy Father's Day.

Montana<--------- Is blushing.

Hope you have a good weekend Matilda.

[lily]

Mstilda, about PMA. . .

I have been noticing that when my PMA plummets and I am anxious, or spinning circles, my H seems to be making baby steps or sometimes giant steps. He usually makes some relavant R statement; I know he's making conscious decisions and that it is taking a lot of effort on his part.

Then it's like my MA becomes mine again. I'm able to replenish the positive and rebuild my PMA.

I posted on my thread how I know that H and I are linked (when we met there WERE sparks in the air).

I'm wondering if you and your H are the same.

Think about how when your PMA is soaring; how is your H feeling. When you are sad and the affair is on the front of your mind, how is he feeling?
Please let me know. Thanks!

[matilda]

Well, I'm back from our short vacation. We had a great time, mostly. H gets real anal about expecting people (the kids) to just "know" what needs to be done on the boat. When they don't "anticipate" what needs to be done (translation - read his mind!) he gets frustrated. And, by the way, he's taught the kids that no matter what they do or how they do it, if it's not his way it's not the right way. So, consequencely, they don't want to do anything. Anyway, he was getting very frustrated and making things generally unpleasant, so I called him a jerk. That kind of took him back. "What did I do?" Geez, Louise!! I felt bad about calling him a name, but he lightened up somewhat after that.

Lily, I'm going to have to really think about what you asked me above. Off the cuff, I'd say my PMA is high when H is acting more like his old self (before the A); not walking on eggshells around me; looking me in the eye (I think you said something in your thread about Sage not looking you in the eyes). My H still has trouble looking me in the eye - guilt. When my PMA is low H is usually in his own little world, doing his own thing. However, my PMA can go down just because I feel he's not doing enough to make things better for us, which is the way I've been feeling the past couple of days.

I was just re-reading Michele's article on healing from infidelity. In it she writes that BOTH partners need to work hard to heal the marriage. I feel like I'm doing all the work, and I'm getting so frustrated I can hardly stand it. I'm not asking for that much, but I do want things to be consistent and not just when he knows I'm at my wits end. I was up until 2:00 a.m. this morning so frustrated with him that I couldn't sleep. I had to use a lot of self-control not to wake him up and tell him to pack up, leave, and don't come back until your serious about this.
I've made a lot of changes. I've done my best to make sure all his needs are met. I've tried to show him how much I love him and that I've forgiven him. I've told him that things need to be different. I have needs, too. And, you know what, considering what he's done and what he's put me through I'd think he'd be jumping at the chance to try to make things better for me/us.

The fact that he doesn't seem to feel the need to work very hard at this makes me wonder if he really wants it to work. I have a lot of doubts right now, not only about that, but also about whether I want it to work. Why won't he do the things I've told him will make this all a little easier for me? I've asked him that question. He doesn't know what I'm talking about.

I am really, really frustrated right now. I'd like to wait until C session on Friday to bring this up, but I don't think I'm going to make it.

Next week marks the 1 yr anniversary of the end of the A. I've been wondering for a couple weeks now if it will mark the end of my M. I can't do this alone. I won't do this alone. He brought the world down on us and now feels so "wretched" about himself and what he's done
that he can't see it his actions in the aftermath of the A that will most likely destroy us and not the A itself.

I'm going to go make myself a drink. I'll try to post a little more rationally tomorrow.

Matilda

[ANS]

Hi Mattie,

Y'know something? Your last post tells me that you and your H have at least one goal in common. "Normalcy".

However, you have different - perhaps even diametrically opposed - methods to get there.

You say you feel better when he acts "like his old self" around you. I'd bet the farm that the converse is also true.

WHen you called him a jerk, you most certainly weren't walking on eggshells. I bet it made him feel good to hear it!

Anyway, back to methodology. I think his method (the irony is incredible here), is to act as-if there's no work to be done on your R.

My W used to want to "work" on OR. I didn't. Y'know why? Because in my mind, OR wasn't work. I loved her. I'd do anything for her. I'd bite bubbles in her bathtub.

I just couldn't get it through my thick head what she really wanted from me.

I'm rambling a bit, Matilda. Not sure if I got my point accross, but I hope so.

Andy

[healedbutscarred]

Matilda...Sure hate to hear that you are having doubts about your M. But I do understand why you are having them. You have worked really hard to forgive and make things work. You are so right when you say it takes TWO!! There are times when I feel that I am doing most of the work on our M. I know my H did make some changes but there are times when I feel that he isn't doing enough. I guess this is a normal feeling. I try so hard to show him that I am here for him and would do anything for him. He sometimes tells me he appreciates everything but I don't hear it as often as I'd like. THis caused problems before. I got to the point where I didn't feel appreciated. I don't want to ever feel that way again. But the difference is this time I know that I can talk to him about what is bothering me. Before we just didn't talk. He is going through a lot of stuff at work right now and has had to go back working nights for awhile so I do understand that he is wore out and sometimes he just doesn't think to say the words. He does try to show me though which helps. I wish I knew what to tell you. Don't know what I can say to help. You have tried so very hard to make things work. It is your H that has the problem and it looks like there is nothing you can say or do to convince him to forgive himself. BUt he is the one that has to reach that point. If you make him go or leave him,then he will say that he knew that was going to happen all along! It's almost like he's thinking that if you leave him,it's what he deserves. Sounds like maybe he feels he hasn't been "punished" for what he did. Not sure if I am making any sense here. You have told him over and over and you have shown him over and over that you forgive him and you love him...NOW IT IS UP TO HIM!! The 1 year mark is tough I know (right now I am coming up on the 1 year mark of when he stopped responding to her emails after ending the PA a year ago this past March! He sent her a birthday card on July 2 and I found out on July 4th..I can't believe that I am worrying that he might send her another card! It's crazy I know but I think you understand!). But right now I am concerned about you!! I doubt I've been much help but remember that I am behind you all the way! I will give you all the support,caring and understanding I can!! You have to decide what is best for you. Whatever you decide,I know you will be strong and you will triumph!! You are a treiffic lady and I am praying that your H doesn't want to lose you and he will "get his act together" so that won't happen!!
Have a
drink for me...I'm on meds for about another 5 days so I can't have one !!
YOUR FRIEND, PFROGLADY