Hi NNP, I see you are beginning to look inward, at your own thoughts, concerns and values. That is all really good, the questioning you are doing. I want to address this one:
Quote: believe in marriage, I believe that D is wrong and I believe that my children would suffer. I believe that they are better off in a two parent home. But are they better off in a home filled with deceit?
In my opionion, deceit is not healthy for any relationship, not for you or for them. However sometimes in DBing, we decide to "act as if" and sometimes ignore some unacceptable behaviors in our WAS for a while, because we have a long term goal in mind. I would say accepting the deceit permanently would be unhealthy for all. But if your overall goal is to have a healthy vital marriage, and you are currently so far apart that you have to accept things that you know you will not accept forever, in order to turn the tide, then I think that is OK. And your children see that sometimes you have to work hard, and even "sacrifice" to reach a goal worth reaching.
The right/wrong conversation is really an important one also:
Quote: What makes me right and him wrong? Why is he an "alien" because he does not love me and does not want to be married to me?
For me, my H is not an "alien" because he doesn't want to stay married to me (which is not clear, BTW - he's not sure). But my H is an "alien" or more respectfully in possible MLC because his decisions and behaviors are contrary to who I know H to be, and the values he has always stated mattered to him. In my mind, if there is any chance that my H is in MLC, or is being influenced due to an unhealthy addiction to an OW or an A, then I want to be here as his wife when he figures that out. Because I love him, and I made a commitment to be there for him. It's not about my H wanting to stay or go and sorting out his true feelings (although that is going on, for him) - but my part is about me sorting out my true feelings and realizing that keeping my word and being unconditionally loving matters TO ME. I want to know that I did everything possible to preserve this M and make it healthy. I haven't even gotten close to the end of action steps I can take. Now, I am also hoping in the course of all the work I am doing on myself and to support the M, that H will say, "wow, look at what PL has done to help this M survive and grow. Maybe I should take another look at PL. Maybe I was too hasty (or asleep)." But if my H doesn't ever do that, and I decide at some point that there is nothing else for me to do - that I am empty - well then I will be able to accept that we are not to be together because I followed my heart and did the "right" thing for me. Not to impose my values on him, though. He will also decide what's "right" for him. I think we can both win here. I just don't think the ultimate decision is here.
I hope that contributes soewhat to your thoughts, as you work on discovering what matters most to you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
