I've made a decision...

[NNP1965]

You guys don't mind me.... I am just recording random thoughts here as they occur to me.

Is it my selfish will that we remain married? Would we be better off going our seperate ways? Could my H find true happiness were he not tied to me by marriage? Would my children survive unscathed by us divorcing?

What makes me right and him wrong? Why is he an "alien" because he does not love me and does not want to be married to me?

I want this marriage, but what makes my wants right? What line would my H have to cross that would move me to not be able to stay with him. I always assumed infidelity would be that line, but even though I do not think my H has physically cheated he has/is most certainly (in my eyes) cheating... breaking our marriage vows.

Tonight my counselor spoke of a women who was unable to leave her abusive H... even after she found out he was molesting her Daughter. I ask myself how could that women stay with her H?

My H has never been abusive but would that be the line that would do it for me? Would it take him hitting me to make me decide that was something I could not live with? Would it take him hurting one of my kids? Would that be the line for me?

I can say my H would never do those things, but I never thought he would be planning to spend an afternoon with a woman he met online either.

I am not sure I can live with him cheating on me in his mind and his heart much less with his body. I do not live in his heart, so what is it going to take for me to have the courage to take a stand for myself?

I believe in marriage, I believe that D is wrong and I believe that my children would suffer. I believe that they are better off in a two parent home. But are they better off in a home filled with deceit?

Are we all better off living with a man who would rather spend his time looking for sex on a computer than engaging with his family?

Please say a prayer for Sara and her family tomight... we are going to need them.