I'm home alone for a few hours and I have been vacuuming and the thought came into my head that since my H obviously does not love me, it must be pure torture for him to keep up this charade of a happy family.
Probably the kindest thing for me to do since I do love him is to let him go... actually tell him to go.
The counselor said that my choices are to confront him about his actions and let him decide to leave or not... or to stop worrying about it and live with it. she said I do not have to decide one way or the other any time soon, but basically it will come down to those being my choices.
I may as well just jump off a bridge now, don't ya think?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
You guys don't mind me.... I am just recording random thoughts here as they occur to me.
Is it my selfish will that we remain married? Would we be better off going our seperate ways? Could my H find true happiness were he not tied to me by marriage? Would my children survive unscathed by us divorcing?
What makes me right and him wrong? Why is he an "alien" because he does not love me and does not want to be married to me?
I want this marriage, but what makes my wants right? What line would my H have to cross that would move me to not be able to stay with him. I always assumed infidelity would be that line, but even though I do not think my H has physically cheated he has/is most certainly (in my eyes) cheating... breaking our marriage vows.
Tonight my counselor spoke of a women who was unable to leave her abusive H... even after she found out he was molesting her Daughter. I ask myself how could that women stay with her H?
My H has never been abusive but would that be the line that would do it for me? Would it take him hitting me to make me decide that was something I could not live with? Would it take him hurting one of my kids? Would that be the line for me?
I can say my H would never do those things, but I never thought he would be planning to spend an afternoon with a woman he met online either.
I am not sure I can live with him cheating on me in his mind and his heart much less with his body. I do not live in his heart, so what is it going to take for me to have the courage to take a stand for myself?
I believe in marriage, I believe that D is wrong and I believe that my children would suffer. I believe that they are better off in a two parent home. But are they better off in a home filled with deceit?
Are we all better off living with a man who would rather spend his time looking for sex on a computer than engaging with his family?
Please say a prayer for Sara and her family tomight... we are going to need them.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I may be thinking a tiny bit clearer today. The counseling really threw me for a loop. I guess the reality is that I know in my heart that marriage is a commitment and not something to throw away.
I will go again next week and see if this counselor is going to be a good fit for me. If not I will call EAP and ask for another referral. Do you think two visits is enough time to decide about a counselor?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Hi NNP, I see you are beginning to look inward, at your own thoughts, concerns and values. That is all really good, the questioning you are doing. I want to address this one:
Quote: believe in marriage, I believe that D is wrong and I believe that my children would suffer. I believe that they are better off in a two parent home. But are they better off in a home filled with deceit?
In my opionion, deceit is not healthy for any relationship, not for you or for them. However sometimes in DBing, we decide to "act as if" and sometimes ignore some unacceptable behaviors in our WAS for a while, because we have a long term goal in mind. I would say accepting the deceit permanently would be unhealthy for all. But if your overall goal is to have a healthy vital marriage, and you are currently so far apart that you have to accept things that you know you will not accept forever, in order to turn the tide, then I think that is OK. And your children see that sometimes you have to work hard, and even "sacrifice" to reach a goal worth reaching.
The right/wrong conversation is really an important one also:
Quote: What makes me right and him wrong? Why is he an "alien" because he does not love me and does not want to be married to me?
For me, my H is not an "alien" because he doesn't want to stay married to me (which is not clear, BTW - he's not sure). But my H is an "alien" or more respectfully in possible MLC because his decisions and behaviors are contrary to who I know H to be, and the values he has always stated mattered to him. In my mind, if there is any chance that my H is in MLC, or is being influenced due to an unhealthy addiction to an OW or an A, then I want to be here as his wife when he figures that out. Because I love him, and I made a commitment to be there for him. It's not about my H wanting to stay or go and sorting out his true feelings (although that is going on, for him) - but my part is about me sorting out my true feelings and realizing that keeping my word and being unconditionally loving matters TO ME. I want to know that I did everything possible to preserve this M and make it healthy. I haven't even gotten close to the end of action steps I can take. Now, I am also hoping in the course of all the work I am doing on myself and to support the M, that H will say, "wow, look at what PL has done to help this M survive and grow. Maybe I should take another look at PL. Maybe I was too hasty (or asleep)." But if my H doesn't ever do that, and I decide at some point that there is nothing else for me to do - that I am empty - well then I will be able to accept that we are not to be together because I followed my heart and did the "right" thing for me. Not to impose my values on him, though. He will also decide what's "right" for him. I think we can both win here. I just don't think the ultimate decision is here.
I hope that contributes soewhat to your thoughts, as you work on discovering what matters most to you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, thank you so much. I think little by little I am coming back to my senses. I certainly have a renewed sense of my need (and willingness) to DB. This marriage and my H mean the world to me and I want to be able to say that I did my very best at trying to make things work however it turns out.
I do beleive my H is addicted to porn, but I realize now that I am somewhat addicted to monitoring him. I have to stop that. You're right, I can choose to over look things for a period of time with out choosing to accept them indefinitely.
I have been reading up on your sitch some as time allows. Thank you so much for taking the time to add input for me. I really do appreciate it.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: but I realize now that I am somewhat addicted to monitoring him.
Hi NNP. Haven't yet read your previous threads, but this line hit home! I am like you and "honestly stumble across the knowledge" in the beginning, but then snoop to find more. I always hoped I would find H was telling the truth (like taking ow out of list of phone contacts and computer buddies), but then something else would pop up that would make me question him. We actually can communicate pretty well and I feel H will usually answer a direct question... except it is difficult to ask him questions about things that I found out in a devious way. Does that make sense? So for your sanity, try not to snoop! Once you accomplish that let me know so I can stop, too!
Hey NN, I am male...active duty military and a 2 month old divorcee. XW left me.....I could hopefully get some insight from you.....the other side. I had a short affair that didn't go over well....I was on a unaccompanied tour.
I haven't had a chance to read up on your sitch...but....I'm on 12's during the holiday so I will read up on you. I am in newcomers forum....may soon be in the divorced but not done forum here before long...good friends over in newcomers...I know they'd follow though...gotta love the support here.
I've been at this since the crap rolled downhill last Sept. Was TDY to the 'Deid' for 4 months and the walls of Jericho fell....look forward to chatting with you if possible. I'd like to know what the impact of always being gone and treating family second best had on you. TDY with the guys...regardless of where you are, IT'S NOT HOME!!!
Hi Faraway, I do not get to check this board much on the weekends as I do not like to do so on my home computer. If you would like to talk you can email me at booklady_586 (at) hotmail (dot) com.
I would love to have a man especially a military man's perspective.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
