I've made a decision...

[NNP1965]

Well actually I have made a few... the first being to move to this forum. The second is that I am going to seek counseling.

I do not have any idea how to go about finding a good counselor. Can someone give me an idea of what questions to ask?

Basically I think how it works with my insurance is they tell me where to go and I get up to 6 sessions, then if it is deteremined I need more then I will have to get authorization. I am leary of just going to talk to someone that a person at the insurance company chooses off a list.

Any insight will be greatly appreciated. TIA

[NNP1965]

Just to give you a bit of info...

DH & I are in our 40's
we have two boys 12 and 10
married 17 years.

You can read my whole sordid story by following the link in my sig line.

[Holly06]

Hi NN,
When you are contacting the counselor, ask if they are familiar with solution based therapy/ counseling. You might want to mention Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy. and Michelle Weiner-Davis. The jist of it is that you do not want to rehash past events, rather, you would like to move forward, and impliment changes in behaviors and attitudes that will impact your life and marriage in a possitive way.
Make sure they have couples and marriage counseling designations.
Check the DB book for more info, under selecting a coach or counselor.
The key is "solution based" .

Best of luck and you might be able to call DB office and get recommendations in your area.
Another avenue would be to try New Life Ministries and get a recommendation from them.
They might not be aware of DB.
Holly

[NNP1965]

Here is my story from the other link.

I promise I will try to the best of my ability to honestly (no matter how hard) answer any question posed to me.

8 years ago 1st bomb
One day I asked H what was wrong (he had been sullen and moody) and he said he was "not happy". Implied he wanted a D (to this day has never used the word DIVORCE). I did everything I could think of begged, pleaded, got angry, asked him not to do this. Eventually it kind of blew over and everything seemed fine. During this time I discovered his porn viewing and he promised me he would only look at it with me. However that was an utter lie! He never stopped looking at it (or really looked at it with me), just got smarter about hiding it. Also I found out later a girl at the gas station gave him her phone number and he carried it around in his wallet for a long time (I do not think there was any more to it).

3-1/2 years ago 2nd bomb
After a couple of months of him being very mean (verbally) to me and the boys, I confronted him and he admitted he was "not happy" (again never used the D word, but that is what he meant). Said he wanted us to stay together for the next year until time to move (military). WTF??? Again I tried to reason with him, said this was not right... etc... etc... eventually he started saying things like "where do you suppose we will get stationed next?". I asked him what had happened and he said he had been miserable at work and was not going to let that interfere with family anymore. Oh during this time I found out that he had been in contact with the sister of an old girlfriend (she lived several states away) but he had been calling her and she had been feeding him the "you gotta make yourself happy line"... blah blah blah

The next year was one of the happiest times of our marriage. H became very involved in our church and son's school. Then we found out he would be deployed for a year! Together we decided to accept this assignment as it would be the best option to get stationed where we wanted when it was over. I even commented at one point that I was thankful this happened now as we were at a good place. H left in May of 2004. I set about keeping things going... working, taking care of boys, house, dog and everything else.

In August we found out he would be promoted and would get sent home early. Over the next month or so he was insistent that I find a house and buy and have ours sold so we could move immediately when he got home. He would scope out houses online and tell me to go look at them (we were getting sent just a couple of hours from where we lived). I did eventually find a house and at his urging made an offer and it was accepted. I then set about getting our current house ready to sell.

Oct 2004 3rd bomb
For a while H was starting to seem depressed on the phone, although it seemed normal so much upheaval in our lives, I thought he was tired of being gone from home...etc... etc... during a somewhat routine Sat night phone call he dropped the bomb again! Talk about blindsided! here I was with one house on the market and a ratified contract on another house and movers scheduled to come in less than 2 months! Before he came home 3 weeks later I was able through snooping to find out that he had begun and EA with a woman from a game site. I did not realize until after he got home that this had also progressed to phone calls.

I wish I had found DB at that time, but I with out knowing I was doing so I used alot of DB principles... and to make a long story less long he was home about two weeks and then recanted, said he loved me never wanted to leave, sorry he put me through hell.... blah blah blah He never told me about the EA and I never let on that I know.

However in July I found out that he was looking for this EA woman in the game site and I asked him in an indirect way about what might have gone on while he was gone. He got very defensive and said we would never get past that time and he did not feel trusted, blah blah blah, never admitted a thing. I asked him why he decided to say and he said because of his commitment to me and our boys. I walked upstairs got on my computer and found this site.

I have followed GEL sitch and I can tell you that I do not think he is afraid to tell me what he wants. He KNOWS I am willing to do what ever he wants me to in the bedroom and I initiate at least as often as he does. How ever he rarely gives me what I would like to have.

Now I am going to share with you all some things I wish I could forget. During the time frame of the 2nd bomb H said he wanted us to "get involved" with other couples. He even went so far as to say he "wanted other women, but did not want to cheat". I was devastated, even tried to show some interest for awhile, but I knew it was wrong and I told him that I would do WHATEVER to make our sex life great between the two of us, but I would not involve other people.

Basically I am afraid that if I confront him about anything he will leave, maybe I kind of think he would welcome an excuse. How pitiful am I?

Sorry this is so long, I really want some help so I am trying to lay it ALL out there.

[NNP1965]

Thank you Holly I will check out New Life Ministries, that is an excellent idea!

[NNP1965]

I just realized the above posts do not really address why I moved to this forum. I have pasted some posts from another forum, I hope they make sense.

I found out by accident about a month ago that my H had registered with a sex search site. I honestly believe that he is looking at this site just to get off, but I do not know that for sure.

I don't feel I can confront him about my knowing about this, as it would be considered snooping. I did honestly stumble across the knowledge of it though.

We have what everyone would think is a wonderful happy family. I even have to remind myself sometimes that it is not.

Do I just pretend I don't know about this? I am afraid to make a move and afriad not to.

I am beginning to wonder how I can "overlook" this. Last night I caught myself imagining what would happen if I confronted H and he left (which I am sure he would). I would survive. I know I would. I love my H and want my marriage, but do I want it knowing what he is doing and him thinking he is getting away with it?

How do I continue to do this? I fear I will begin to hate him for being this two faced. Do I sacrifice all of me so he can pretend we have a great marriage, just so he will not leave. What kind of coward am I???

[NNP1965]

I am not having a very good day. It occured to me this morning that I have to do something.

I love my H and I want to make this marriage work, but what I don't want is to be lied to and cheated on. What makes him think he can do that and get away with it?

I have to wait to get home to call about finding a counselor because I do not want to take a chance on anyone at work over hearing my conversation.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi NNP, I do think C is a good idea, I hope you have found someone by now and are getting some counseling. I am doing tons of things for support, and it has really helped me. What you have been through is difficult, and it has lasted a long time. I think the C will help you to sort out who you are and what you want.

Too much time and energy has been spent by you, trying to figure out what your H is up to. It's time to figure out what you are up to - your behaviors, your thoughts and actions that have contributed to your situation. That is where your power is, and the possibility for a brighter future. It is what you have control over.

You said

I love my H and I want to make this marriage work, but what I don't want is to be lied to and cheated on. What makes him think he can do that and get away with it?

and I really understand how this feels. But it won't help you, if you are truly interested in saving your marriage. Find out more about who you are being in the relationship, and spend as little time as possible trying to fugure your H out right now. This might seem strange, but I say this with absolute certainty: Your H's affairs, obsessions, addictions, etc. are not about you. And you can't control his behavior. Find out what you are about, and meanwhile lovingly detach from your H without judgement. That will open up windows to a new world.

Meanwhile, try not to react with frustration and impatience, to force something to move in your M until you are clear with yourself. Give yourself some time, allow yourself that. Just pull back a little so that your focus is on you reather than him, and see what happens.

These boards can be really helpful. Also, have you purchased and read Divorce Remedy yet?

[NotMarried]

Hey NNP

Find a counselor yet?

[NNP1965]

I have an appt with a counselor next week, I wish it could be sooner, but that was the first available appointment.

I agree with what you are saying PL. All I can do is fix me and I am broken. I realize that now. With out going into all the gory details I recently came dangerously close to finding a way to "expose" my H's behavior and I am certain it would have had disasterous results.

I have to focus on me. I can not stop him from doing whatever he is doing or going to do. I can not prevent it by being near 24/7.

I want to remain married, but I also want this marriage to be honest and healthy. I know I will not acheive that by monitoring what my H is doing.

I have read DR and SSM. I have the KLA CD's and listen to them often. However, for the life of me I can not grasp the concept of loving detachment. Any help with that would be greatly appreciated.