my sitch, as best i can tell it.

[debj123]

Hi,
Sorry you're going through this too - noticed some similarities between your W and my H - low self esteem, searching for personal happiness in other people, not in self, being nasty and selfish - wonder if that's the case with all in this group? I suppose they just have to keep getting nastier, otherwise they might feel guilty about what they are doing? Easier to see us as the enemy, because then they don't have to confront the issues within themselves. Maybe we could have done something different - like you, I searched my brain thinking for things I did or didn't do - but the fact of the matter is that their responses are not healthy, we are not mind readers, and they should have been more forthcoming about unhappiness. I don't know, I am willing to take some blame for problems that my H seems to have had with our relationship (he says it was bad - not through anything I did, but because he didn't feel fulfilled - so he says), but at some point, he decided not to love me. He decided not to nurture his love for me, and he let it die. Then, he filled that space with someone else. I think, like your W, my H will never be happy because he is not addressing the true cause of his unhappiness - issues within himself. I guess that is why we have to let them go, not support them in their decisions, not let them treat us like doormats, we have to let them go so that they feel the full weight of the consequences of their actions.

Have you thought about telling your W that you will only give her enough for the necessities, and if she spends that foolishly on herself, she needs to deal with it? You could buy her gas gift cards and grocery gift cards so she can't spend food and transportation $ on herself? Just a thought.