Thanks, everyone. Boy, do I need your calming voices today. The weekend did not go a well as I'd hoped. Probably a lot had to do with the stress of so much happening at one time and being exhausted.
Friday I was kind of a mess because of S's graduation. I got very sentimental, gave him a long hug and kissed him many times (at home while having lunch with his girlfriend). He was not embarassed. He thrives on that stuff. He is a very sentimental, very family-oriented young man. I can't believe my 6'3" BABY has graduated from high school.
I manged to keep the bad thoughts away for the better part of the afternoon and evening. Then while waiting in the stands for the ceremony to start, someone asked my H what my S's girlfriend's last name is. H replied with the last name of the OW!! Then, of course, quickly corrected himself. I shot him a look. He was mortified. I was stunned. I have not mentioned it to him, although I was/am so angry that he spoiled that night for me I could just strangle him. I wanted to scream at him, but I held my tongue then and now. Was he thinking of her at the time? My logical mind says no. Supposedly he only has bad feelings when he things about her, so he says he doesn't think about her at all. Who knows? Also the last name he gave was her married last name, and I'm not sure he thinks of her by that last name. When he dropped the bomb on me and told me who it was he used the last name she goes by now. Whatever caused him to say that name, I'll probably never know. But it caused me a great deal of pain until I got my act together and told myself I would not let him ruin the evening for me. I watched as the graduates filed onto the field. I needed to see my boy. I called his cell and told him to wave, jump up and down, let us know where he is. He did. I laughed and told him I loved him very much. I cried -- happy, yet nostalgic tears.
The only other bad time over the weekend was yesterday at Disneyland. At one point H said he needed to use the restroom and for us to go ahead on a ride and he'd meet us at the exit. Boy, did my mind flip into overdrive. Was he going to call her? Was she there and he was going to talk to her!! Can you imagine? Even as those thoughts were going through my head I knew they were utterly ridiculous. But I felt myself getting angry because this is what I am left with in the aftermath of my H's A.
Well, when we met up with H again, we started towards the next ride and H said, how about if I go get some fast-pass tickets for this ride we wanted to go on while the rest of us went on to something else. This just after he made an excuse to not go on a ride! I was livid! I KNEW something was up. I made some caustic remark -- don't know what it was now. Everybody looked at me with a stunned expression on their faces. Finally, my H and my brother went off together to get the tickets. My youngest asked me if I was okay. Told him I was just tired from all that was going on.
I can't believe I did that. It's just amazing the things that pop into one's head, and it's amazing how quickly adrenaline kicks in and anger flares up. You know, my H has said many times that he feels like running away from all the pain and humiliation he feels. I'm beginning to feel that way myself. I need peace. I don't want to feel anger. I don't want to feel jealously.
Pfroglady, you're so right when you say I can't tell my H what I'm feeling. It will just cause him to feel worse. That sucks. He just can't seem to stop thinking about himself long enough to realize that I need him. Maybe if he weren't so self-absorbed he could give me the things I need from him and I wouldn't have the bad feelings as much.
To make matters worse, our love-life has been slowing sinking into oblivian. He's been having the problems that I've mentioned before, which totally embarass him and brings up a lot of anxiety and stress so that the next time the same thing happens. He's starting to make excuses in order to avoid being intimate because of this. You can imagine the merry-go-round we're on. I'm thinking it's because he doesn't desire me anymore, doen't love me anymore, is thinking about the OW. He's thinking that I'm thinking those very things and doesn't know how to prove to me that's not the case when his body won't comply. He's afraid of all sorts of things surrounding this -- I'm sure you all can fill in the blanks.
So without much physical intimacy right now for me things tend to get blown out of proportion. He tends to back off regarding any type of affection, I guess because out of fear. Whatever is happening it's making matters so much worse for me. I can't seem to communicate that to him. I've been very loving and supportive through this. After all, this has just started recently. During his A and since things were great in that department with us. My logical brain says this doesn't have anything to do with me or his feelings about me or his feelings about the OW. He insists there are no feelings for the OW except hate and disgust for the pain their "interactions" have caused. Heck, he even passed up an opportunity to get back into the professional field he loves because of possible contact with the OW. He says he didn't think he'd be able to be civil to her even professionally. He just wants no contact, no thoughts about her whatsoever. I believe him. But there is that little voice in my head that wonders, "Then what is it?"
So I think the lack of intimacy and affection plus the stress of all the "happenings" this past week and weekend are taking their toll on my PMA. Right now I struggling with not e-mailing H and asking about the name-thing at graduation. I know he'll just tell me it was nothing. I know I'll tell him how it hurt me and made me so angry. Not productive for either of us.
Nightly, I really like what your counselor told you, too. I think I'd better start implimenting that immediately. Thank you for posting.
Boy, this was long. Sorry gang. I feel like I'm letting off a little steam here in order to prevent a major explosion.
