Nightly----thats a great program you worked out with your counselor. I believe that might be beneficial to me also if I gave it a try.
Matilda----Im feeling much better today than last night. Maybe you are too. I sincerely hope everything went well at your sons' graduation, and you had yourself a good time.
I started taking Paxil about a week or so ago to try and get myself out of this feeling of emptiness. The Dr. said I would still have bad days but the roller coaster will ride on a track --------here instead of one ________here. Hope that kinda makes sense. Maybe thats why my mood swings have been so extreme this past week, Im adjusting to the meds.
I have to admit when I do feel better its a stronger feeling than Ive had in quite some time. Only downside to it is when I hit bottom it seems to go as far down as I was 3-4 months ago. Maybe I can tough out the first couple of weeks and I will begin to experience some more positive effects. I had to do something, for when I was alone with my son I would have to fight back the tears. Dont know why they come but they just did. I always felt as if I was about to lose him out of my life, and I couldnt take it. I have to fight them off for I dont want him to see me crying, and then start to worry that somethings amiss.
Oh well, lets pray for a good Saturday and the remainder of the weekend.
MATILDA, sorry I didn't back to you yesterday but just read your post!! I sure hated to read that you were having such a rough time especially on a day when things were supposed to be happy!! I am proud of you for holding up with your H and I am proud that you were able to make things good for your son!! YOU ARE A VERY STRONG & TERIFFIC LADY!! I do understand the panic when you couldn't reach your H. Geez,after what you went through that is TOTALLY NORMAL!!!! Even after a year and 4 months of building the trust back up I have to be honest and admit that occasionally (not as often as early on thank God)I do get these thoughts in my head and get "butterflies" but it soon passes and I tell myself that I am being paranoid. My heart is telling me everyday that he loves me and he won't hurt me that way again but sometimes the old brain has to throw you a little curve !! You just have to swallow the thoughts and try not to show your H that you are having them. It's not fair I know because after all HE is the one that almost destroyed everything so why shouldn't you let him know when you're having problems with his actions!! I know in my case my H feels like everything is over and done with and he thinks I am doing great (which I am most of the time). In your case if you told him your thoughts,it would only add to his problem of trying to forgive himself. So,even though it is hard,you are going to have to be the STRONG ONE in your R!! But I have a feeling that you CAN DO IT!!!! It does seem like family gatherings tend to make you think about the A. I do the same thing even now. I want to yell at him "SEE WHAT YOU ALMOST LOST!!" When I see him with his sons and his little granddaughter and they tell him they love him and what a great dad he is, I am really glad that I didn't tell them what happened but there are times when I want to tell them "IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT AN A**H** HE CAN BE!!" But I know that would only hurt them and it would hurt my H and in the long run hurt me...and I have been hurt enough for a life time!! So,Matilda,you just keep moving forward,you be the guiding influence in your family,you be the strong one and you HANG IN THERE GIRL....the prize at the end is worth the trip..A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE!!!!
I understand your anger, Matilda, but he’s not an hypocrite. He did something terrible, and he doesn’t want your son to make the same mistakes he did. My father had an A, which ultimately resulted in divorce. This did not take away my father’s desire to advise me. In fact, he often told me, “I blew it with your mother.” He told me about some of the things that he did to “blow it” in the hopes that I wouldn’t do the same.
I know there’s no solace in this, Matilda. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings, but your immense strength of character has brought you so far. You are indeed an inspiration to people like Montana. I’m convinced that your example will help him (and others) to “get over it.”
Hang in there, Mattie. Pfroglady (another inspiration in her own right) is right when she says that the prize at the end is worth the trip.
Thanks, everyone. Boy, do I need your calming voices today. The weekend did not go a well as I'd hoped. Probably a lot had to do with the stress of so much happening at one time and being exhausted.
Friday I was kind of a mess because of S's graduation. I got very sentimental, gave him a long hug and kissed him many times (at home while having lunch with his girlfriend). He was not embarassed. He thrives on that stuff. He is a very sentimental, very family-oriented young man. I can't believe my 6'3" BABY has graduated from high school.
I manged to keep the bad thoughts away for the better part of the afternoon and evening. Then while waiting in the stands for the ceremony to start, someone asked my H what my S's girlfriend's last name is. H replied with the last name of the OW!! Then, of course, quickly corrected himself. I shot him a look. He was mortified. I was stunned. I have not mentioned it to him, although I was/am so angry that he spoiled that night for me I could just strangle him. I wanted to scream at him, but I held my tongue then and now. Was he thinking of her at the time? My logical mind says no. Supposedly he only has bad feelings when he things about her, so he says he doesn't think about her at all. Who knows? Also the last name he gave was her married last name, and I'm not sure he thinks of her by that last name. When he dropped the bomb on me and told me who it was he used the last name she goes by now. Whatever caused him to say that name, I'll probably never know. But it caused me a great deal of pain until I got my act together and told myself I would not let him ruin the evening for me. I watched as the graduates filed onto the field. I needed to see my boy. I called his cell and told him to wave, jump up and down, let us know where he is. He did. I laughed and told him I loved him very much. I cried -- happy, yet nostalgic tears.
The only other bad time over the weekend was yesterday at Disneyland. At one point H said he needed to use the restroom and for us to go ahead on a ride and he'd meet us at the exit. Boy, did my mind flip into overdrive. Was he going to call her? Was she there and he was going to talk to her!! Can you imagine? Even as those thoughts were going through my head I knew they were utterly ridiculous. But I felt myself getting angry because this is what I am left with in the aftermath of my H's A.
Well, when we met up with H again, we started towards the next ride and H said, how about if I go get some fast-pass tickets for this ride we wanted to go on while the rest of us went on to something else. This just after he made an excuse to not go on a ride! I was livid! I KNEW something was up. I made some caustic remark -- don't know what it was now. Everybody looked at me with a stunned expression on their faces. Finally, my H and my brother went off together to get the tickets. My youngest asked me if I was okay. Told him I was just tired from all that was going on.
I can't believe I did that. It's just amazing the things that pop into one's head, and it's amazing how quickly adrenaline kicks in and anger flares up. You know, my H has said many times that he feels like running away from all the pain and humiliation he feels. I'm beginning to feel that way myself. I need peace. I don't want to feel anger. I don't want to feel jealously.
Pfroglady, you're so right when you say I can't tell my H what I'm feeling. It will just cause him to feel worse. That sucks. He just can't seem to stop thinking about himself long enough to realize that I need him. Maybe if he weren't so self-absorbed he could give me the things I need from him and I wouldn't have the bad feelings as much.
To make matters worse, our love-life has been slowing sinking into oblivian. He's been having the problems that I've mentioned before, which totally embarass him and brings up a lot of anxiety and stress so that the next time the same thing happens. He's starting to make excuses in order to avoid being intimate because of this. You can imagine the merry-go-round we're on. I'm thinking it's because he doesn't desire me anymore, doen't love me anymore, is thinking about the OW. He's thinking that I'm thinking those very things and doesn't know how to prove to me that's not the case when his body won't comply. He's afraid of all sorts of things surrounding this -- I'm sure you all can fill in the blanks.
So without much physical intimacy right now for me things tend to get blown out of proportion. He tends to back off regarding any type of affection, I guess because out of fear. Whatever is happening it's making matters so much worse for me. I can't seem to communicate that to him. I've been very loving and supportive through this. After all, this has just started recently. During his A and since things were great in that department with us. My logical brain says this doesn't have anything to do with me or his feelings about me or his feelings about the OW. He insists there are no feelings for the OW except hate and disgust for the pain their "interactions" have caused. Heck, he even passed up an opportunity to get back into the professional field he loves because of possible contact with the OW. He says he didn't think he'd be able to be civil to her even professionally. He just wants no contact, no thoughts about her whatsoever. I believe him. But there is that little voice in my head that wonders, "Then what is it?"
So I think the lack of intimacy and affection plus the stress of all the "happenings" this past week and weekend are taking their toll on my PMA. Right now I struggling with not e-mailing H and asking about the name-thing at graduation. I know he'll just tell me it was nothing. I know I'll tell him how it hurt me and made me so angry. Not productive for either of us.
Nightly, I really like what your counselor told you, too. I think I'd better start implimenting that immediately. Thank you for posting.
Boy, this was long. Sorry gang. I feel like I'm letting off a little steam here in order to prevent a major explosion.
Hang in there babe. As you can probably tell by my post that my weekend wasnt so enjoyable either. I too know how you feel when you say that you have to keep your feelings to yourself for fear of how they will make your H feel. I mentioned in my thread that I get so tired of biting my tounge sometimes, but its something I need to learn to do.
As Andy mentioned, you ARE my role model. You and all the others in here. I look up to you all for guidance through this horrific event in my life.
Maybe we should read that prayer again that I posted a while back. I havent read it in a while but it did seem to always pick me up somewhat after doing so.
Matilda! I can only imagine how you felt when your H slipped up on the name like that!! I know I would have reacted the same way but not sure I could have been as brave as you!! I am such a "crier"!! I'd like to think that I could hold it together for the sake of the son graduating. You amaze me...you are strong!! I think that ANYBODY who has been through what you have would have reacted the same way and had the same suspicions at Disneyland when he went off by himself..especially after the name incident!! Here's a little secret....even as good as I am doing I still every now and then have a case of the "suspicions"!! It is probably going to always happen but the times do get farther apart. I'll tell you a really shameful secret now and maybe it will make you feel a tiny bit better....You know the big Tyson fight was in Memphis Saturday night. Well,my H works for the newspaper here and he had to work Saturday night. He didn't get home until Sunday morning and after a brief cuddle he went to sleep. Want to know what I did? I am so ashamed of it but I know I can confide in you (and everybody else reading this). I checked his cell phone and checked to see if he still had "her" number listed in his phone book !! He didn't and I really felt like a first class suspicious B***H!! He has not given me any reason to be suspicious but that may be one of the things that we may not be able to ever stop doing! Does it mean we really feel we can't trust them? Is it normal to be like this? If so,how long does it last? But as you say there are things that may never be the same. As for the intimacy thing. I wish I knew what to tell you about that. At first ours picked up big time (naturally I assumed that it did because he had "her" on his mind sometimes). Then it slowed down after about 8 months or so (again I assumed it was because of "her"). Now it has picked up again and I can honestly feel that it is different. He seems more realxed and at ease he seems to be making the "first move" more and more! Maybe like my H,yours is going through another phase of the A being over. Bou I need to know just how many phases do they have to go through? Only thing is your H has to learn to forgive himself and start focusing on you!! Maybe after all the things going on in your life right now are done you can sit him down and lay your cards on the table. Tell himexactly how what he is doing is affecting you. Explain to him that it isn't the A that is upsetting you and driving you up the wall but the way he is beating himself up over it and how now he is allowing that guilt to hinder the progress you have been making! Tell him that if you were going to leave him when you found out about the A you would have been gone (or he would) by now!! Maybe he just needs a "smack up side his thick head"!! I know it is hard for you to "bite your tongue" and there are times when you have to speak up for your own peace of mind! Remember that YOU are the victim here...NOT HIM!! Don't know if I was any help but I do try!! I am always here for you!! Stay strong and keep the faith!! I know you will make it!! Your friend,pfroglady
If you were here right now I'd give you a great big kiss (on the cheek, of course ). I sure wish my H would call me "babe" again. I keep telling him it's the little things that count for so much. I'm going to reply on your thread.
Pfroglady,
I don't blame you for checking out your H's cell. I did that just last week myself, and his palm pilot, and the last time he had his work computer at home I checked that out also. What is really shameful is when I tried to break into his voice mail at work to see if he'd been getting any messages from her. Didn't try very hard, but was ashamed of myself nonetheless. I guess if they really thought about the consequences of what they were doing they MIGHT have had second thoughts. Who knows.
Well, I lost the battle of whether to ask my H about the name-thing via e-mail. Had to do it. I told him I had been expecting some sort of explanation or at least an appology for his slip-of-the tongue on the night of graduation. Afterall, it brought up very unpleasant things and made me feel like shit. I couldn't help wondering if he was thinking about her at a time that should have been a wonderful family celebration.
He replied stating that he knew that nothing he could say would make any difference, but that it must be just that the two names are very similar. It had nothing to do with what he was or wasn't thinking about. He appologized and said he felt awful if it ruined my evening. I'm not sure that helped me very much. Afterall, why THAT name.
I think I'm going a bit numb here. This is what I've been fighting in myself all along. I felt from day one that if we BOTH didn't work hard at this my feelings for him would start to die. That's not the case yet, but right now I just feel numb. He called a little while ago to tell me he's on his way home and said ILY as he was signing off. I just said "Bye." Couldn't even get ILY out of my mouth.
My PMA is low. Like I said earlier, it's probably a culmination of everything that's going on right now. Thing is, I don't even care that it's low. I don't even want to bring it back up right now.
NO APOLOGY NECESSARY!! YOU ARE NOT A DRAG!! Hey,you have every right to feel the way you do!! Look what has happened to you!! On top of all that A crap you have had a stressful time with the graduation,family and everything so it is understandable that you are "down" right now!! You shouldn't have had to deal with memories of the A on top of everything else going on in your life at that time and you probably would have bee ok if your H hadn't screwed up!! What you need is "MATILDA DAY"!! You need to go somewhere by yourself,do whatever you feel like doing,buy tourself something you've been wanting,have some fun!! I would have confronted my H about the slip up too! Hey,they are the ones who brought on all this misery so they need to answer for it!! Please take care of yourself..I am concerned about you!! I know you have been very strong and you are trying really hard to keep your marriage together but it is very hard and a lot of work. You can't do it alone and you need to remind your H that he has to try harder!! Since I can't be there in person for you here's some hugs via the computer to help you through.((((MATILDA))))!!!!!Hope to hear from you later...HANG IN THERE!!!!!! YOUR FRIEND, pfroglady
![[Roll Eyes]](images/icons/rolleyes.gif){kind=icon}
!! You just have to swallow the thoughts and try not to show your H that you are having them. It's not fair I know because after all HE is the one that almost destroyed everything so why shouldn't you let him know when you're having problems with his actions!! I know in my case my H feels like everything is over and done with and he thinks I am doing great (which I am most of the time). In your case if you told him your thoughts,it would only add to his problem of trying to forgive himself. So,even though it is hard,you are going to have to be the STRONG ONE in your R!! But I have a feeling that you CAN DO IT!!!! It does seem like family gatherings tend to make you think about the A. I do the same thing even now. I want to yell at him "SEE WHAT YOU ALMOST LOST!!" ![[Mad]](images/icons/mad.gif){kind=icon}
When I see him with his sons and his little granddaughter and they tell him they love him and what a great dad he is, I am really glad that I didn't tell them what happened but there are times when I want to tell them "IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT AN A**H** HE CAN BE!!" ![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
But I know that would only hurt them and it would hurt my H and in the long run hurt me...and I have been hurt enough for a life time!! So,Matilda,you just keep moving forward,you be the guiding influence in your family,you be the strong one and you HANG IN THERE GIRL....the prize at the end is worth the trip..A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE!!!!![[Embarrassed]](images/icons/blush.gif){kind=icon}
!! He didn't and I really felt like a first class suspicious B***H!! He has not given me any reason to be suspicious but that may be one of the things that we may not be able to ever stop doing! Does it mean we really feel we can't trust them? Is it normal to be like this? If so,how long does it last? But as you say there are things that may never be the same. As for the intimacy thing. I wish I knew what to tell you about that. At first ours picked up big time (naturally I assumed that it did because he had "her" on his mind sometimes). Then it slowed down after about 8 months or so (again I assumed it was because of "her"). Now it has picked up again and I can honestly feel that it is different. He seems more realxed and at ease he seems to be making the "first move" more and more! Maybe like my H,yours is going through another phase of the A being over. Bou I need to know just how many phases do they have to go through? Only thing is your H has to learn to forgive himself and start focusing on you!! Maybe after all the things going on in your life right now are done you can sit him down and lay your cards on the table. Tell himexactly how what he is doing is affecting you. Explain to him that it isn't the A that is upsetting you and driving you up the wall but the way he is beating himself up over it and how now he is allowing that guilt to hinder the progress you have been making! Tell him that if you were going to leave him when you found out about the A you would have been gone (or he would) by now!! Maybe he just needs a "smack up side his thick head"!! ![[Wink]](images/icons/wink.gif){kind=icon}
). I sure wish my H would call me "babe" again. I keep telling him it's the little things that count for so much. I'm going to reply on your thread.