Landing in this forum after 1.5 years

[Chrislorl]

WOW, it seems like the old club is here. DER, Truly, F4W, Fearless, Purdy.
Hi Folks, F4W sorry to still see you here pal. Our sitch. have been neck to neck the whole time. The 12th of this month is 1.5 years for me.
I hate to say it's good to see you all, but honestly I feel somewhat normal and supported when I come here and understand once again that we are all not alone although it truly feels that way some days.

I am really sorry that your MC session went the way it has, but it seems like you have hit it right on the head when you said:
I think the odds are against it, I love my wife but she is incapable of doing what it will take to face whatever it is in her that causes her to run when she needs to open up. It is her pattern, I hope she can break it, but I know 39 years of a learned behavior is hard to break.

I know this feeling to well. I know with all of my heart that I love the woman I married, I know I am sorry for the mistakes I made, I know that it was not ALL MY FAULT.

My EX (wow that still is tough) still cannot learn to forgive me or herself. She still is controlling and pushes the guilt trips; she still wants to see OM as friends and wants me around when she wants it. There is no real R between us, has not been any ML in --- wow I can’t remember, I think before Christmas last year.

Your statements about being scared to admit or come to the point of not loving here are completely understood.

There are days I wish I would never love my WAW again, and there I days I still break down and want to hold her. When we are close it hurts because she has told me she has no desire for me in any way but she still loves me but not in love with me. It is hard to believe the person you spent half your life with can’t and won’t hold you.

But you are correct, they want us to change, yet they see no reason to break their own habits and do not recognize the damage that their behavior does.

There is a song out right now by the “wreckers” called “leave the pieces” and it goes:
You're not sure that you love me, But you're not sure enough to let me go.
Baby it ain't fair, You know you just keep me hanging round.
You say you don't wanna hurt me, Don't wanna see my tears.
So why are you still standing here Just watching me drown?

I realized with the support of a lot of people here and a ton of wacks to the head with a board that this is true. Your statement is true. They will not change. She said she hates to see the pain your in, yet she holds the key to relieving that pain. She knows this yet will not do anything about it.

F4W you love your wife as I do mine, I will always love her and honestly would do anything that would make her happy. I spent the last 3 months playing her game. I did not question anything, I worked on her new home remodeling it, I took care of the yard, I cooked, I cleaned, I did her laundry and the kids too at her home - all while doing my own at my home.
During this time I never brought up OM, and yes he is still around. I ignored the calls, bit my lips and said nothing, worked my ass of, honestly did brick work till my fingers bled.

Know what I got? First fight we had, she went to him. She would not even give me a kiss good night; I have had better hugs from my dog, and never ever any warmth.

I talked with her and tried to ask (2 months into it) “How are we doing in your eyes”. She freaked, said I was pressuring her and she couldn’t handle it. I explained that I was asking because I cared about her feelings. She told me I should be able to see by her actions (what actions?). I explained to her that I was trying to be a better man; I realized we both spoke different languages and that I was just trying to learn to communicate with her better. Her response – she was uncomfortable with this, felt like it was an advance and was putting to much pressure on her. If I wanted it to work I needed to back off and give her more space. It was ok if I came over and worked on her house, but she would like me to leave when she got home so she could relax and not feel pressured. I should understand this. Also that my pressure was not helping her forgive things like the comment I made 13 years ago one night at dinner when I was kidding around and “HUMILIATED” her in front of everyone.

You wrote: By that there is something picking at me that I cannot identify, like it is on the edge of my conciouness and I cannot quite get it. It does cause me not to sleep very much and when I do my dreams are vivid recollections of times with my wife.

This picking at you is called love, it is also the guilt she has bestowed upon you. No matter what you will always and forever love the woman you fell in love with, I know this feeling too.
Try to remember this, you never gave up. You did not quit, by telling her you could not go on this way, you acknowledged her feelings as well. That is why you were there at MC, YOU CAN NOT CONTINUE THIS. You really need to sleep, live, smile, and try.

Take the advice the MC is giving you and so many gave me, at this point let her deal with her issues. Amazingly enough they find out that leaving did not solve these issues, it did not get better, and they are still depressed. Until she faces the fact that she is not happy with herself, she will never be with you. You cannot change that, neither can the MC, she needs 1 on 1 C. And you do too, it’s not a bad thing and your not a bad guy, you’re here trying to fix what you thought went wrong. Where is she?

Hang in there friend….