Landing in this forum after 1.5 years

[Fighting4Wife]

WOW! I am humbled. Truly. I have been away for so long yet my friends still are here supporting me. THANK YOU ALL!!!!

So much great advice. All of you. I would like to take time and make individual replies, but I feel an update will bring you all up to speed.

Coffee was fine, nothing major, all about the kids schedules. I tried to turn it to other topics, just general, no go. She stuck to what the counselor offered. I said she looked wonderful as we parted ways. She said thank you.

We went to second session yesterday. It was a barnburner. Let me preface that I had PO'd my wife on Sunday by asking her to have dinner, if she was open to it with me and the boys. This was answered with a no, she was gong to SIL. I made a flirtatious comment about a visit after that, in jest. That sent her over the deep end but agreed to call me back later in the night and talk about us. No call!

So in counseling the C started with me. She asked what I wanted to come from this session, I said really nothing. I have come to the conclusion that I am unable to hold onto her or this marriage anymore, I looked at my W and said you are free from me and this marriage. The C looked right at her and said "Mrs. F4W" your husband is saying he cannot do this anymore and you are free to end this marriage, what is it you want to do?" W answered she did not know. W started in on the topic of my style and commnunication needs. We had a briefly heated discussion and I stated "W you would be just happy if I never communicatied with you again unless it was about kids schedules" To this she agreed, C made her phrase it to me and look me in the eyes 3 times until she got it right. We did a projection excercise and my wife came up with projecting her disappointment with me early in our marriage by emabrrassing her in public. I recall the event and apologized. My projection was my diappointment in her not respecting my feelings and integrity and continually breaking her word to me. I broke down and started to cry. I was at that point very vulnerable and being honest. C quickly asked W what she was feeling at this time. She broke down crying. Saying she hated to see me in such pain, that she feels bad for creating this but really is just numb, cannot find love for anything. C kept going, she stated that since W was so unsure about herself, her emotions, could not definitively say whether she did or did not love me, that she should enter into IC and work on fixing herself. W agreed. C went on to say that in her opinion, W needed to seriously rethink the D, that if she can fix herself, then she should at that time re-invest in me and the marriage, that 15 years of investment is too much to throw away. Wife said nothing, but continued to cry.

C turned to me, said "F4W, you have a decision to make, your W is not ready to continue this M, you have to live each day making a decision. That decision is will you stay and wait or will you move on. This is your decision only. You cannot base this on her or her issues. What will you do?" I looked at my W, and I said "There is nothing I have said or worte in the past year about my feelings that is not true. You are the one for me. You are the woman I love beyond anything else. I will wait, for a while. I do fear that by letting you go I will eventually have to look in the mirror one day and tell myself "You cannot love her anymore" and that scares the hell out of me."

C picked up from there and said both of you need IC, W to do deep counseling to find our why she shys away from being vulnerable, and without being vulnerable she will never be able to have an intimate relationship with me or anyone else. That the pattern she has developed will never cease. To me she said I need support C to deal with my pain and sadness. We agreed. She said I will see you in 2 weeks.

I have not spoken to W in two days. I had to call today because of my time with kids starts today. It was fine. She had called 4 times on my cell yesterday but I never answered. I cannot right now. I am unsure and scared. I am doing fine. I do feel like I have now amputated a diseased part of my body and am looking at the wound. But I know that I have to let go and continue my journey alone, for the moment.

Again to all SA, DER, OC, Purdy, 2nd, and Corri, thanks, I love you all!

F4W