MATILDA, sorry I didn't back to you yesterday but just read your post!! I sure hated to read that you were having such a rough time especially on a day when things were supposed to be happy!! I am proud of you for holding up with your H and I am proud that you were able to make things good for your son!! YOU ARE A VERY STRONG & TERIFFIC LADY!! I do understand the panic when you couldn't reach your H. Geez,after what you went through that is TOTALLY NORMAL!!!! Even after a year and 4 months of building the trust back up I have to be honest and admit that occasionally (not as often as early on thank God)I do get these thoughts in my head and get "butterflies" but it soon passes and I tell myself that I am being paranoid. My heart is telling me everyday that he loves me and he won't hurt me that way again but sometimes the old brain has to throw you a little curve !! You just have to swallow the thoughts and try not to show your H that you are having them. It's not fair I know because after all HE is the one that almost destroyed everything so why shouldn't you let him know when you're having problems with his actions!! I know in my case my H feels like everything is over and done with and he thinks I am doing great (which I am most of the time). In your case if you told him your thoughts,it would only add to his problem of trying to forgive himself. So,even though it is hard,you are going to have to be the STRONG ONE in your R!! But I have a feeling that you CAN DO IT!!!! It does seem like family gatherings tend to make you think about the A. I do the same thing even now. I want to yell at him "SEE WHAT YOU ALMOST LOST!!" When I see him with his sons and his little granddaughter and they tell him they love him and what a great dad he is, I am really glad that I didn't tell them what happened but there are times when I want to tell them "IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT AN A**H** HE CAN BE!!" But I know that would only hurt them and it would hurt my H and in the long run hurt me...and I have been hurt enough for a life time!! So,Matilda,you just keep moving forward,you be the guiding influence in your family,you be the strong one and you HANG IN THERE GIRL....the prize at the end is worth the trip..A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE!!!!
![[Roll Eyes]](images/icons/rolleyes.gif){kind=icon}
!! You just have to swallow the thoughts and try not to show your H that you are having them. It's not fair I know because after all HE is the one that almost destroyed everything so why shouldn't you let him know when you're having problems with his actions!! I know in my case my H feels like everything is over and done with and he thinks I am doing great (which I am most of the time). In your case if you told him your thoughts,it would only add to his problem of trying to forgive himself. So,even though it is hard,you are going to have to be the STRONG ONE in your R!! But I have a feeling that you CAN DO IT!!!! It does seem like family gatherings tend to make you think about the A. I do the same thing even now. I want to yell at him "SEE WHAT YOU ALMOST LOST!!" ![[Mad]](images/icons/mad.gif){kind=icon}
When I see him with his sons and his little granddaughter and they tell him they love him and what a great dad he is, I am really glad that I didn't tell them what happened but there are times when I want to tell them "IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT AN A**H** HE CAN BE!!" ![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
But I know that would only hurt them and it would hurt my H and in the long run hurt me...and I have been hurt enough for a life time!! So,Matilda,you just keep moving forward,you be the guiding influence in your family,you be the strong one and you HANG IN THERE GIRL....the prize at the end is worth the trip..A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE!!!!
