I have gone through what you have Matilda and I have had over a year's worth of counseling. I know what it's like to be angry with my H for screwing up so many lives…. but the bottom line is he came home and he faced the music. He has made a number of changes and he is truly sorry for what he did. As I have mentioned before we renewed our wedding vows in February at his request. Yes, I still let that awful nagging voice inside get to me, but there is a sweet loving voice that wants to be heard as well. When I feel that terrible nagging voice start to drag me down I read the program that I set up with my counselor.
With my counselor I gave a name to the bad voice and to the good voice. I then made a list of things that the bad voice tells me: get revenge, shut down, say bad things about the OW, be angry, obsess about the OW, wallow in unhappiness, hurt my H, that I am a bad person, that I’m selfish, and that I deserved what I got because I haven’t been a good wife. I then made a list of how I will feel if I listen to that negative voice: sad, bitter, angry, scared, insecure, like I’m going crazy and like I’m a bad person. The last thing I had to do was list the outcome of listening to that bad voice: makes me mentally unhealthy, hurts me, makes me a bitter person, the family will be destroyed, divorce will happen and my life will become unproductive. I then had to do the same thing for the good voice in my head. It tells me to: love my family, appreciate my H’s efforts, forgive by focusing on his good qualities, by replacing thoughts of the affair with thoughts of the future or any other enjoyable event, like myself, say to myself “I’m a good person.” have a positive attitude. If I listen to the good voice I will feel: content, fulfilled, loved, cherished, healthy, carefree, and happy. The outcome of listening to the good voice is: makes me whole again, makes me feel attractive to my H, makes our kids feel better, makes me look forward to the future, makes me love my H again! (I was to show this list to my H and he was shocked when he read the last part that said I would love him ‘again’… he never thought it was possible that I stopped loving him but I had.) I know I need to listen to the good voice. Listen to the good voice Matilda, and don’t let the bad guy bring you down. Just realize there are many people here who would change places with you in a heartbeat!
