Quote: Corri, for the past several years I have done the bulk of the care of the children and I did so with very little resentment until the last year. So this would not be a change for me. Logistics would be the major change. But I am capable, wife just never asked for help or took it when I offered.
I'm confused. You say you did the bulk of the childcare, yet you also said that your wife never took your help when you offered. If you were doing the bulk of the childcare, why would she be asking you for assistance?
When I asked if you trusted your wife to take care of your kids you said:
Quote: No. I mean that she is not neglectful of abusive. She is just a "Disneyland" mom most of the time. She lets the kids violate boundries and get away with anything they want.
If you were the primary childcare provider, you would have been setting the boundaries, no? And she could only have been Disneyland mom if you had allowed it. Did the two of you talk at all about what was appropriate and inappropriate?
You say your children are 10, 7 and 4. Explain to me, from the view of what is in the best interst of your kids, how such young children would be better off without the presence of their mother for the bulk of the time.
Someone on here made the comment that NOP suggested that when going through a divorce, you say you don't agree with it, you have no intention of being her friend, and you will keep communication to a minimum if the D goes through.
I don't agree with this, especially when children are involved.... IF you are thinking of what is in their best interest. You and your STBX will have to talk, and on a very frequent basis, to keep each other apprised of what is occuring with your kids. If you don't do this, you are going to set yourselves up to be manipulated by your children. They will KNOW you don't talk, and they will take advantage of that fact... not because you have 'bad' children, but because there will be nothing in place to teach them that this is not appropriate... for you do not communicate.
For your children's sake, it will be important for both of you not to set yourselves up as martyr's, at least in your children's eyes. You will both have to work together to help your kids understand that the split came from two adults unable to solve their problems, and that the split had nothing to do with them and the love you BOTH have for them.
Most states now... well... many states... attempt, as best they can, to set up co-parenting arrangements in order to keep both parents as active and involved in the kids lives as possible. This is a b!tch for them. They will adapt best by the two of you establishing a routine as quickly as possible, being as consistent with rules and boundaries from house to house as possible, and communicating on at least a weekly basis on what is occuring in the kids lives from house to house.
You may not want this divorce, in any way, shape or form, but if it goes through, it will be paramount for you and your W to keep the kids best interest at heart at the very top of your lists... and that will require you to put your anger, depression and resentment toward your W aside, and vice versa.
Your children will adjust based on how you and your W handle yourselves. They will go through all kinds of emotions, and if they feel safe in expressing themselves, within a proper framework, it will help them significantly. If they feel they must stuff their emotions in order not to upset you or their mother, their issues will linger and morph. It will be very important for the kids to feel that they have some measure of control and venue of expression in their own lives. Again, this will require that you and your STBX communicate frequently.
It is apparent to me, at least from reading your posts, that you have little respect for your wife. Understood. But that isn't going to help your kids. Are you in IC right now to work through your own emotions? If not, you may want to consider it... if not for yourself, for the sake of your kids.
