If you’ve kept up with my thread you may recall that I recently confronted my W about committing to the marriage. My reasons are basically the same as those listed in that article, plus the added reason that my W uses this back door escape hatch as a control weapon. If she doesn’t like something, she always reserves the option to bail out. She wants the ability to quickly run in any direction. To not have this option makes her feel like a trapped animal and her anxieties kick in.
But you are past that point now and so is she. I think you also do yourself harm by maintaining you loyalty to her even after you divorce. At one time my W thought we should just separate. Her idea was to convert the garage into living quarters so I could come and go as I pleased, see other women and be close to the kids too. I told her that sounded good to me but she would be the one living in the garage, not me. I was staying in my house and she could get out.
NOPkins commented to me that I should tell her that in the event of divorce I should not be her friend, and I believe that is the correct stance to take. If your objective is to save the marriage, divorce must be an extremely distasteful option. I told W that if we divorced, I had not intention of being her friend, nor did I even intend to be nice to her and only speak the minimum needed to coordinate with the kids. While I understood child custody is stacked against fathers, I would also fight to for as much of my rights as possible. All of this shook her world, I totally destroyed the little fantasy idea she had in her mind.
She was thrown back into dealing with the marriage and me, whether she liked it or not. And I did not care one bit whether she liked it. I only cared that she changed. Once we stepped up to the brink of divorce, she saw how scary it looked on the other side and chose to back down and find a way out of that mess. We have been moving forward ever since, with a few minor backslides along the way.
Unfortunately it may be too late for you to take this advice. Maybe you can tell her you have a change of heart and in your own interests you will fight her tooth and nail if the divorce proceeds and hate her with all you heart the rest of your life (or something like that). But if she will back off divorce, without any promise to commit to the marriage, and keep an open mind, then you will do all you can to change for her and make the marriage work. But be sure to listen to Blackfoot. Negotiate this from a position of strength, not begging. Lay out the terms and expectations, the roadmap, full disclosure, and ask her to do the same. The time for games is over and as soon as you find out she is bluffing or posturing, you call your lawyer and tell him to file. It is time for the both of you to grow up and get serious.
That is what I did. It worked for me and saved my marriage. See what might work for you. Hang in there!
