Many of the challenges make me think I need to just let it all go. Make the statement joint is fine, she can be the primary caregiver, and just go off into the sunset and wait ot see my boys. Is that not better than dragging this on and dragging my wife throught her emotional hell. Is it rescuing or compassion.
its called tough love. and its tough for both of you. You are gaining strength, and showing her that you are strong enough to do this. Thats what she is finding out thru all her emotional struggles with you.
My response from now on when asked why I am staying, why I will not let her go will be. "I have already told you my reasons and feelings. I am not keeping you here though I am glad you decide to stay and you choose to do so When she goes to the effort to be vulnerable and express herself honestly, I dont think denying her that reassurance is such a good idea (saying I already told you). There are ways to show her ILY, thru a gentle touch, a look, a smile. You explained your reasons for giving the ILY. I understand and definitely agreed with you given the context.
I do not truly know what to say or answer her and still be supportive and true to me.
Your fear of loss,(which is driving you to be supplicating and begging) is shouting loudly and confusing your desire to self protect, (berate and abuse her,) another fear. Neither are right. Breathe deep. Be calm. Your doing well. MWD concept of lovingly detach, is dead on. Hard to do when the emotions are banging around making your head hurt, and your soul tired. When you are confidant, and assured, you wont have to think about what to say. It just comes out.
ideas of leading day to day.
In your previous threads, you mentioned she was often asking you to do things for her. You said this made you feel like she wanted to control you? you were being bossed around? I understand. IMO, though,
1) she was giving what she wanted
2) giving her this, will make her feel like she is wanted, needed, part of a team, special. (actually Im not sure how it makes her feel, Im a man, I just know what works. mostly, sometimes. )
example. morning. ...F4W: W. Im in a hurry,... make some coffee, would ya. after she does, thank her.
Ill break this down. It comes of slightly bossy, because of the lack of using the words me, or need, or please. Which is likely why you felt this when she was doing it too you, in the past. Women are so in tune with, what they dont want, (a needy man) and also what they want, to be tight knit, feel special, be part of a team, and trying to show that to us, setting an example, and it comes out in their verbals.
another example. F4W: Im hungry. Have you decided on dinner yet? No? Good. I want .... for dinner.
Men have the habit of giving what they want to women, and showing it thru example. you allready know what that is. Women do the same. The result is neither person giving or getting what they want/need. So stop giving what you want, give what she needs.
Ill give one more RL example. after I decided to reconcile with x, our first interaction was at a family gathering. we had been seperated and I had been darkwith her for 3 months. Everyone started eating (buffett style) and I was talking to someone. I gave her the 'come here' finger. She came over and I said, 'make us some plates, Ill save you a seat here next to me'. she gave me the squinty look. I smiled. we sat next to each other , and didnt talk much, I talked to others, but there was a lot of touching going on under the table. (no not that kind. get your mind out of the gutter. ) oh for the record she was no wilting violet susy homemaker type. We got perplexed looks from some of the family, but I acted like everything was normal, and she followed suit. she was obviously apprehensive at first, untill she knew how I was going to behave.
It will take some guts. If you collapse at the first sign of resistance, start apologizing, or get defensive ( ex. FINE! JUST forget it then!) youll shoot yourself in the foot. Like I said, if she doesnt, shrug it off. Its not about you. If its meet with true irritation, youll know that real quick. I find this very rare though. There are a hundred ways to lead, with confidance and assurance everyday. Especially when it comes to her and your kids.
mostly, sometimes. 
)
, and didnt talk much, I talked to others, but there was a lot of touching going on under the table. (no not that kind. get your mind out of the gutter. 
) oh for the record she was no wilting violet susy homemaker type. We got perplexed looks from some of the family, but I acted like everything was normal, and she followed suit. she was obviously apprehensive at first, untill she knew how I was going to behave.
