You have no idea how much you pick me up. Thanks s-o-o much for being there.
Andy,
I can actually feel the embrace of your hug. Thank you.
I didn't think I'd be here today. Our son graudates this evening and things are hectic. Our son is the most wonderful kid in the world. He deserves all the happiness in the world. I have found myself being very angry with my H yesterday and today. I can't stop thinking about how he almost screwed everything up for all of us, but right now mostly thinking how much different today could have been for our son. I guess I will take credit for making sure nothing ruined S's senior year. Obviously, my H couldn't think about anyone but himself.
Last night I watched as my H interacted with my family, and I was angry. My H gave our son some advice about life and how to handle himself professionally and in his relationships in the future, and I was angry. He has no right. He is such a hipocrite. I hope my boys turn out better than him.
Okay. So, see why I needed to post today. I am so angry at H for being so very, very selfish. Nothing feels "right" to me. Like I said yesterday, we won't divorce, we won't separate, but I don't know if it will ever feel "right" to me again. This is not a good place to be. I don't know how to move on from here.
Boy, so far my feelings are completely different than what I anticipated. This anger has taken me aback.
H asked me to pick up film for the camcorder this morning. He was looking for a specific kind. The store did have it so I called H at work to ask what he wanted me to do. I called both work numbers, no answer (11:30 a.m.) I called his cell, no answer. I called 4-5 times each number. I was getting that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach, and then started to cry sitting in my car. Ever since the bomb H has made sure I can reach him at any time. Not this morning. I'm sure you can imagine the things that went through my mind. My imagination know no bounds. I finally got a hold of H when I got home. He had gone out to get lunch early (cuz we'll be eating dinner early in order to get to graduation), and brought it back to his desk. He'd forgotten to take his cell phone with him. I told him why I had called. Then he asked me if something else was bothering me. I just said that today was not a good day for me to not be able to reach him. He appologized and said he'd be home early to help (has no idea the reason behind my panic attack). He just called and said he was coming home. At least he's thinking about me enough to know I need him here today -- for whatever reason.
Thanks again for letting me rant and rave. Like I said, this is going much differently than I expected. I'm afraid it may get worse at graduation. It's an emotional, nostalgic time as it is.
Thanks again. Hopefully, next time I post I will be in a better mood. You guys must get tired of hearing all this whining.
