Landing in this forum after 1.5 years

[Fighting4Wife]

2nd Chance:
1st and I may have already made this comment on another of your posts, I see that you have 34 current posts, but yet you use my original screen name when I first started here. What previous screen name did you use before?

It's obvious to me that you are on a slippery slope towards D. And I say this not because of your W's recent filing. You've mentioned in the past how you've "tried almost everything" to get your W to commit to saving your M. However, it seems to me that you've been repeating more of the same "cheeseless" patterns for the past year (or so).

By my statement I have tried to follow DB, I have treid to follow her wishes, I have tried to follow my heart, In the end I came to realize that nothing will work until both of us can face the our fears and resentments that were causing everything to fail. We needed to strip away all the built up scar tissue and start true healing. That is why I am in the place I am now. I am human and going to fail sometimes at staying detatched. But at this point I am trying to be supportive but I do not have to agree with everything she says or does. For the first time in a long time she is opening up and sharing a lot of what she has repressed about my behaviors that have hurt her. This is tough to look at and face, but in the end it will help both of us.

You claim to be "lovingly detaching" from your W (for her own good), yet you say "I love you" to her regularly. Do you think that she doesn't know it by now? Is that what you think the problem is; that she's unsure of your love towards her?

Detachment to me is not getting caught up in the emotions that she is feeling. They are not mine and I cannot fully understand them because of that. I see her pain and try not to add to it. Detachment is being able to separate my happiness and feelings from hers. To have empathy but not become engulfed in what she is going through. The ILY have been in response to her asking why I stay, why do I still have feelings for her when she does not for me. They are not offered freely by me.

As to support, I disagree with you stance. I am not in favor of D. I cannot support it. If that is going to be my downfall then I fall holding to that belief. There are times when D is appropriate (Abuse, Neglect, Drugs, etc) not because one wants to give up. Because I do not support it does not mean it will not happen. I realize that and will be able to get through it but not willingly nor happily. My support is of her decision. It is hers. It forces me than to look at what is best for my children and me at that point, not her! It sounds crass but is a reality. I cannot make her choices and I cannot change her mind. My actions at home and around her of a loving H. I am upbeat, I am the a better man and do not engage in her silence nor pouting behavior around the house. She is not ready to see that and accept that. She willnot until she wants to re-engage in the M and take D out of the picture.

I am not being self rightous, I am in fact indifferent to her behavior to some degree. I am also here for her when she wishes to come to me but I am not able to seek her out, that is rescuing her. I understand what you are trying to say. I do. But until she can come to grips with the "reasons" she cannot love me and decide to hold on to those or work on those, I can do nothing but lead subtley for her.

I am not proud of her actions. Yet I am respecting her actions. I am not throwing a fit, not seeking solice in a bottle, not moping nor angry around her. I am moving in a direction in what I feel is best for my children and myself. I do not need to agree with her plans layed out in the papers.

There is no slippery slope I am on. We are in a D proceeding, no other way to slice it. My actions at this time are trying to stay above the fray.

I agree that she is confused, but I am not able to cure that. Only she can. I need to be the one who is not drifting, I need to be the point of stability. I am unsure how to do it exactly, but I need to show that I am resolved in the D process, just as resolved as I would be if we were to reconcile and work on our marriage.

F4W