"I'll think about it tomorrow!"

[matilda]

Thanks for the encouragement gang.

I don't have much time to post, and won't for the next two weeks. I have family arriving from out of town for our S's HS graduation this Friday. Then on Saturday I'm throwing a bridal shower for my BF's daughter! On Sunday we go to Disneyland with my brother's family. Then next Wednesday we leave for Lake Mead for 5 days!! Busy times -- happy times. Don't think my demons will have much chance to catch up with me. Or my H for that matter. H has such a good time with my brother. He's really looking forward to him being here. And going to the lake and waterskiing for 5 days and then spending the nights gambling in Vegas is about to send my H into hog heaven. So hopefully this will be a good catalyst for us both to put aside the past and just enjoy the here and now.

We won't be going back to MC for 3 weeks because of all our activities. I will be looking forward to hearing how H is doing by then. I'll try to post occasionally and keep you all updated.

Matilda

[Duchess]

Matilda..I haven't posted on your thread but do follow it.

I think you are wise to stay out of your H's drama.

I would go as far as to not engage in coversations about his guilt etc..maybe acknowledge that you've heard what he said..but just go on your way..... so to speak.

If he sees that you are compassionate but not willing to enter in to his drama..I bet he'll back off.It's a way of setting a boundary with him.

It sounds like your h might need some individual C. Maybe a few sessions alone w the C.

Have a wonderful time w your family in the next few weeks.

Duchess

[matilda]

Hi, Duchess.

Well, that's exactly what I'm going to try and do -- stay out of his drama!! I hope I made it clear to him the other night that wallowing in self pity is only going to hurt both of us. It's just, hard, ya know, cuz every little "slight" on his part tends to either hurt my feelings or make me mad at this point.

I'd like my H to go to individual C'ing, too. I don't think that will ever happen. The fact that he goes with me is a testiment to his committment to OR. He has a hard time discussing his feelings with me. He HATES discussing them with a stranger. Last Friday the MC spoke mostly with my H. H did spill some things and even got a little emotional. He told me after we left how much he hates doing that. He's just really uncomfortable with it, therefore, not sure that he's getting much help out of it.

Gosh, I'm down today. Maybe it's the hormonal rush again. Maybe it's the medication that I take for migraines (had one this morning). They seem to come more frequently with this perimenopause phase. Whatever it is, I just feel lower than I have in a while. Good thing is that I know I just have to ride out these feelings because it will get better.

Matilda

[healedbutscarred]

HI MATILDA! I did find out my "ups and downs" were menopausal and now I am popping those hormone pills everyday and I am a new woman !! Went back to the doctor yesterday about the problem I have been having with my arm and shoulder and he was asking how I've been doing on the hormones. Had to tell him I feel younger and acting younger too !! He said that with all the weight loss I was looking younger too so that made me feel great !! Anyway,you are probably having hormone trouble plus you have a lot going on right now and even though it is good things happening you are probably a little stressed getting everything ready. Hope you have a WONDERFUL time and maybe your H will use this time to put things behind him and stop being so absorbed in his misery!! GOOD LUCK...MY BEST TO YOUR SON GRADUATING... HAVE A GREAT VACATION!!!! Let us know all about everything as soon as you can when you get back.
Pfroglady

[matilda]

Hi, Gang.

I'm feeling out-of-sorts right now. I'm not really sure what's wrong, if anything. My family arrived this morning and are now resting, so I thought I'd put some of this out into cyberspace.

Like I said, I don't really know what I'm feeling, although when my brother (big 'ole burly guy) wrapped his arms around me and said "How's my sis?" I had to fight back the tears. I just wanted him to comfort me. Since nobody knows about what we're "going through" sometimes I feel it's a very heavy burden to bear by myself. Of course, I have all you guys out there. What would I do without you?

And then I wonder what is it exactly that we are "going through"? Seems to me we've been through it. No divorce pending. No separation pending. I love him. He loves me. We're gonna make it. But it still feels like we're "going through" something. I'd hate for my family to find out what my H has done. They love him so much. They think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. The disappointment would be so hard to bear. I think this is what is really getting to my H -- the realization that so many people who love and admire him would be devastated to know of his actions. It's funny how people who commit adultery don't think about all this beforehand. Of course, in my H's mind no one was ever going to find out -- especially me. Then, as you know, it ended it that he was the one to tell me about it!!

At one point just before the beginning of his A, we were really connecting and OR was really getting good again. He said (among many things that he said about all this) that he didn't trust that it would last. How could he not trust a person he's known practically all his life, and yet he trusted the OW who he hardly knew at all to keep their A a secret? That is so hurtful. And in the end, she did call our home a month after he told her it was over. We were away on vacation and her number came up on caller i.d. I knew the name as someone he mentioned from work occasionally so I didn't question it. People from work would call him at home occasionally.

I know I'm rambling here. Sorry. Just want to get this stuff out so I can make room for some happy moments this weekend. H is on his way home. I think I'll feel better when he's here. I'm looking forward to hearing him laugh again. My brother always makes my H laugh. Should be some goods times the next few days.

I'll probably be able to post the beginning of the week as we don't leave for the lake until Wednesday.

Thanks for listening. You're all I have when it comes to this. I'm so grateful for you all.

Matilda

[healedbutscarred]

HANG IN THERE MATILDA!! You are doing good!! I know it is hard to not confide in your family or close friends about what happened but I,like you couldn't bring myself to tell people what my H had done (especially my sons,my dad and my brother-they all admire and respect my H so much and would lose that if they knew). So sometimes you do feel like you are facing it alone but I know I can come here and pour my heart out,cry,laugh,or scream and yell!! It's a comfort to know that I have friends out there that care even though we have never met!! Thank you Matilda for all your encouragement to me. Seems like anytime I am down you can pick me up. Hope I am doing the same for you!! Try to relax and enjoy the company and the vacation and I'll say a prayer that your H will use the time to settle things in his head!! Let us know how things go!!
pfroglady

[ANS]

{{{Matilda}}}

[matilda]

Pfroglady,

You have no idea how much you pick me up. Thanks s-o-o much for being there.

Andy,

I can actually feel the embrace of your hug. Thank you.

I didn't think I'd be here today. Our son graudates this evening and things are hectic. Our son is the most wonderful kid in the world. He deserves all the happiness in the world. I have found myself being very angry with my H yesterday and today. I can't stop thinking about how he almost screwed everything up for all of us, but right now mostly thinking how much different today could have been for our son. I guess I will take credit for making sure nothing ruined S's senior year. Obviously, my H couldn't think about anyone but himself.

Last night I watched as my H interacted with my family, and I was angry. My H gave our son some advice about life and how to handle himself professionally and in his relationships in the future, and I was angry. He has no right. He is such a hipocrite. I hope my boys turn out better than him.

Okay. So, see why I needed to post today. I am so angry at H for being so very, very selfish. Nothing feels "right" to me. Like I said yesterday, we won't divorce, we won't separate, but I don't know if it will ever feel "right" to me again. This is not a good place to be. I don't know how to move on from here.

Boy, so far my feelings are completely different than what I anticipated. This anger has taken me aback.

H asked me to pick up film for the camcorder this morning. He was looking for a specific kind. The store did have it so I called H at work to ask what he wanted me to do. I called both work numbers, no answer (11:30 a.m.) I called his cell, no answer. I called 4-5 times each number. I was getting that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach, and then started to cry sitting in my car. Ever since the bomb H has made sure I can reach him at any time. Not this morning. I'm sure you can imagine the things that went through my mind. My imagination know no bounds.
I finally got a hold of H when I got home. He had gone out to get lunch early (cuz we'll be eating dinner early in order to get to graduation), and brought it back to his desk. He'd forgotten to take his cell phone with him. I told him why I had called. Then he asked me if something else was bothering me. I just said that today was not a good day for me to not be able to reach him. He appologized and said he'd be home early to help (has no idea the reason behind my panic attack). He just called and said he was coming home. At least he's thinking about me enough to know I need him here today -- for whatever reason.

Thanks again for letting me rant and rave. Like I said, this is going much differently than I expected. I'm afraid it may get worse at graduation. It's an emotional, nostalgic time as it is.

Thanks again. Hopefully, next time I post I will be in a better mood. You guys must get tired of hearing all this whining.

Love you all,

Matilda

[montana_kl]

Matilda,

No one here gets tired of your whining, at least I dont. Thats the reason we come here in the first place, to do just that when we have to and share our good feelings when we are experiencing them also. Im going to whine a little bit with you if ya dont mind. My W knows I come here and read my thread once when I was having a bad day. She said she knew I would come here looking for support and that she could feel the pain in every word I wrote. I find that hard to believe, at least to the extent that it grabs a hold of me at times. I should've told her this is my private situation here and to stay out, but I would never know for sure if she would or not.

Andy if you're reading this thanks for stopping by my thread. Yes, the ladies here have taken good care of me. I only wish I was married to one of them, seems like I wouldnt be going through this personal hell like I am now. This past week has been rough. Ive been able to keep it to myself for the most part, but in all honesty I feel as if Im gradually slipping by the wayside and slowly starting to detach myself from her emotionally. I cant believe 8 months into our M and 7 months after the birth of our child she had already given up on me and our family. I know she has her reasons and Im partially to blame, but it was hard on me also, and I handled it with dignity and respect. We were both young and parenthood was a shock to us both, no doubt. But that was no reason to act out as weakly and quickly as she did. It drives me insane to think of this.

Ive also read where men are a slight more "visual" when it comes to finding out something like this. I believe it. The images that run through my mind are starting to take their toll on me. The more I see them the more I start pulling away from her. I dont mean to be too graphic here but when I see her in the nude I no longer see the beautiful woman I once fell in love with, instead I see a body that has been shared with someone else, and that person has memories of the time they spent together. It makes me sick to my stomach, literally. I am having big time trouble letting go of the past. I wish I could do like Lily and "live in the moment", but I just dont know how sometimes.

And Matilda you were right about what your C told your H. Its not fair. Its not fair at all that we are left to make the decision of whether or not our families stay together, especially when we have to bear the brunt of all this pain caused by our spouses'. After all, what did we ever do that was so wrong that we deserve to be put through this? I cant answer that question, and I seriously doubt you can either. She's the one that gave up on us so early, but yet Im the one that has to make the most crucial decision of my sons' life. The decision of whether or not he will be raised in a broken home. She was raised like that, so why in the hell would she jeapordize his future like she did? Especially over someone that isnt even worth p*ssing on. Damnit I dont need to be here right now, at least not on your thread. I should copy this over to mine and if she reads it then so be it. I had to get this out of my system though before the weekend started, maybe my mood will change by Monday.

Mattie you enjoy yourself at your sons' graduation tonight. I know it's hard to be involved with something that means so much to the entire family and have to look at your H and know that he has done something that could destroy everything you have ever worked for in life. If you can please make the best of it, do it for your son if nothing else. He deserves it, and so do you. Be strong this weekend and I'll try to take my own advice and do the same....

Montana

[Nightly]

I have gone through what you have Matilda and I have had over a year's worth of counseling. I know what it's like to be angry with my H for screwing up so many lives…. but the bottom line is he came home and he faced the music. He has made a number of changes and he is truly sorry for what he did. As I have mentioned before we renewed our wedding vows in February at his request. Yes, I still let that awful nagging voice inside get to me, but there is a sweet loving voice that wants to be heard as well. When I feel that terrible nagging voice start to drag me down I read the program that I set up with my counselor.

With my counselor I gave a name to the bad voice and to the good voice. I then made a list of things that the bad voice tells me: get revenge, shut down, say bad things about the OW, be angry, obsess about the OW, wallow in unhappiness, hurt my H, that I am a bad person, that I’m selfish, and that I deserved what I got because I haven’t been a good wife. I then made a list of how I will feel if I listen to that negative voice: sad, bitter, angry, scared, insecure, like I’m going crazy and like I’m a bad person. The last thing I had to do was list the outcome of listening to that bad voice: makes me mentally unhealthy, hurts me, makes me a bitter person, the family will be destroyed, divorce will happen and my life will become unproductive.
I then had to do the same thing for the good voice in my head. It tells me to: love my family, appreciate my H’s efforts, forgive by focusing on his good qualities, by replacing thoughts of the affair with thoughts of the future or any other enjoyable event, like myself, say to myself “I’m a good person.” have a positive attitude. If I listen to the good voice I will feel: content, fulfilled, loved, cherished, healthy, carefree, and happy. The outcome of listening to the good voice is: makes me whole again, makes me feel attractive to my H, makes our kids feel better, makes me look forward to the future, makes me love my H again! (I was to show this list to my H and he was shocked when he read the last part that said I would love him ‘again’… he never thought it was possible that I stopped loving him but I had.) I know I need to listen to the good voice.
Listen to the good voice Matilda, and don’t let the bad guy bring you down. Just realize there are many people here who would change places with you in a heartbeat!