Sorry to hear its come to this. I have no idea if you are doing the right thing or not, but this is almost exactly where I was this spring. For my wife and I, it is one thing to go around tossing out ultimatums and threats of divorce, but it is completely something else to realize you are really going through it. I seem to recall it was you who would make those threats, which is why we need to be careful what we ask for.
I see your wife’s erratic emotional swings as a natural pattern, one both my wife and I went through (and still go through). She is responding to the surfacing of polar emotions – fear and denial. The fear is obvious. She is afraid of being alone, she’s scared for her future security as well as that of her kids. Your threat to sue for “full custody” (which would really be primary guardian) has triggered some of her deepest fears. There should be no surprise here because I think all of us are ready to acknowledge our fear of losing our kids.
But I think she is also torn by her denial of her own vulnerability, the feeling of how exposed she will be outside of the comfort she gets from marriage (though does not want to admit to), so anger bubbles to the top and she rages at you. I see this particular reaction is very healthy. It is what you have wanted to see all along and it is what she needs to come to terms with. I think she may be scared of confronting her vulnerability, her fear of abandonment and all that. But that is contrary to the image she would like to maintain of herself, so she has repressed looking at herself for years. Now the mirror has cracked and she is confronted with the weakness of that supposedly strong person. I hope she will accept this part of herself and come to terms with it.
This is her first step in differentiating, and it is not unlike the 12 steps in treating addiction – she first needs to recognize she has a problem (Lil knows more about this than me). I think this is the point where you need to REALLY put on the alpha male cloak that Blackfoot talks about and provide her a solid, stable anchor point so she can regain her bearing. This does NOT mean you should re-enmesh with her in any way. You are there to offer a supporting hand. If she loosens her grip, she will slip and she needs to know that it is her action and not yours that will cause this, but you WILL NOT, MUST NOT do anything to try and rescue her if she does let go.
I hurt for her pain right now.
It is good that you are empathic toward her, but do not let this slip into your usual rescuing mode. Her problem is not your problem. The more you try to help her, the more you hurt her, yourself, and your kids! Your number one priority right now is to hold onto yourself. Read through Lil’s thread on Coming to Your Senses to help you with this. Hang in there, you are actually doing exactly what you have to do!
Ohhhh, and one other thing….. It is good that those on this particular board are giving you some moral support and affirmation. We all need it, especially in these hard times. But do not read too much into it. The danger is that you are emotionally vulnerable right now too and this kind of affirmation is SOOOO enticing, it is easy to get on your pity pot and then feel entitled to something better. That will only spiral you down into that resentment pit and you’ve been there before. Take your medicine, come to terms with the fact that you are as responsible for making this mess as your wife, you are not the nice guy, saint, etc. and she is not some devil. You are both normal people with normal dysfunctions trying to find your way through life. Yours is a normal growth process.
