I'm feeling out-of-sorts right now. I'm not really sure what's wrong, if anything. My family arrived this morning and are now resting, so I thought I'd put some of this out into cyberspace.
Like I said, I don't really know what I'm feeling, although when my brother (big 'ole burly guy) wrapped his arms around me and said "How's my sis?" I had to fight back the tears. I just wanted him to comfort me. Since nobody knows about what we're "going through" sometimes I feel it's a very heavy burden to bear by myself. Of course, I have all you guys out there. What would I do without you?
And then I wonder what is it exactly that we are "going through"? Seems to me we've been through it. No divorce pending. No separation pending. I love him. He loves me. We're gonna make it. But it still feels like we're "going through" something. I'd hate for my family to find out what my H has done. They love him so much. They think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. The disappointment would be so hard to bear. I think this is what is really getting to my H -- the realization that so many people who love and admire him would be devastated to know of his actions. It's funny how people who commit adultery don't think about all this beforehand. Of course, in my H's mind no one was ever going to find out -- especially me. Then, as you know, it ended it that he was the one to tell me about it!!
At one point just before the beginning of his A, we were really connecting and OR was really getting good again. He said (among many things that he said about all this) that he didn't trust that it would last. How could he not trust a person he's known practically all his life, and yet he trusted the OW who he hardly knew at all to keep their A a secret? That is so hurtful. And in the end, she did call our home a month after he told her it was over. We were away on vacation and her number came up on caller i.d. I knew the name as someone he mentioned from work occasionally so I didn't question it. People from work would call him at home occasionally.
I know I'm rambling here. Sorry. Just want to get this stuff out so I can make room for some happy moments this weekend. H is on his way home. I think I'll feel better when he's here. I'm looking forward to hearing him laugh again. My brother always makes my H laugh. Should be some goods times the next few days.
I'll probably be able to post the beginning of the week as we don't leave for the lake until Wednesday.
Thanks for listening. You're all I have when it comes to this. I'm so grateful for you all.
