Well, the MC session on Friday went all right, I guess. At least I think the MC gave my H some things to think about -- like, when you feel so horrible about what you've done try remembering that it's salvagable. Your W still loves you and wants to work on things with you. You have NOT destroyed her. You have NOT destroyed your family. Those are all very good, positive things. Start looking at it that way instead of what a mess you've made of things.
Saturday night I was really frustrated. We started talking and I got a little angry. I told him if he didn't love me enough to start considering my feelings and what I needed then maybe he just doesn't love me enough to make this M work. After all, putting his feelings first is what got us into this mess, and it seems to me he's doing the same thing now.
It was rather a long conversation and hard to remember at this point, but basically I told him that I've been through enough, and I need to stop hurting. He really doesn't get how he's still hurting me. I told him that I need reassurance of his love and committment to me. That doesn't stop just because I've forgiven him and have decided to work on our M. I want "us" back. I want to feel loved and cherished like I did in the past. I want us to be able to play and have fun with each other like we used to. He just doesn't see that happening with all that's between us now. It's not that HE doesn't feel those things. He doesn't understand how I can ever feel the same about him no matter what he does.
And, yes, I feel he does have some making up to do. I deserve for him to be willing to step up and meet whatever needs I may have towards that end. I told him I've had to put aside my pride and my ego in order to stick with him and make a go of our M.
He asked me to put myself in his shoes, try to feel what he's feeling about what he's done and how much pain he's caused me; how he could have destroyed our family. He is deeply embarassed for me to even look at him. He's humiliated beyond belief regarding his failure as a husband and father. I told him, "Considering your past behavior, you weren't such a great H, I'll give you that one, but that doesn't mean you that you can't be a great husband from now on. That wasn't the real you. If it was, you wouldn't be feeling the way you are now."
I asked him how two people could live in the same house together if one partner can't stand for the other one to even look at him? That's no way to live -- for either one of us. He said it'll just take time. I said I didn't think so. It's already been a long time -- especially for him. After all, didn't he start feeling this way almost from the beginning of the A and didn't it just get progressively worse, to the point where he had to tell me because it was so bad? Hasn't it just gotten worse since telling me because now I know all the horrible things he's done and, as he says, he can't hide from it anymore. How is it supposed to get better H? Just play the waiting game? I don't think so.
I told him he needs to be proactive in his own healing process, and that if he concentrated on doing all he can to make me feel loved and reassured maybe that in turn would help to ease his pain in the long run. Seems simple enough to me. Maybe cuz that's what I've been doing. I've been putting a lot of effort into meeting his needs and it has helped ease my own pain. But, I've had enough -- I've been through enough and he needs to take over for a while.
Long and short of it, he's going to try and stop concentrating on how miserable he is and try to start seeing how good things are (considering) and how good they can be in the future if we pull together on this. We'll see. We'll see.
