quote:Originally posted by matilda: I also told him (with a smile ) that he needs to lighten-up; he's bringing me down. He says he gonna try.
I hope he takes your advice, Mattie. Isn’t this what it’s all about? All of those people out there that are forcing themselves to give their S space… What they’re really after is to stop suffocating their SO (and their R). You’re in the rather odd position of having an H who is suffocating your R. It’s the “aura” around your R that has to change. You’ve picked things up from your side and now your H has to take hold of his end.
quote:Originally posted by matilda: After all, you can't love somebody else if you don't love yourself, right?
Dunno. I think that this is an oversimplification. I think he loves you very much, Matilda. But how can he express his love when he’s obsessing over what an evil person he is. I like your idea of concentrating on his self-forgiveness, though. He’s said he’ll do anything to make things up to you. He thinks that self-flagellation is what he has to do, but he has to learn that the biggest thing he has to do is to forgive himself.
quote:Originally posted by matilda: I think you're onto something, also, about the integrity thing. What other people think about H is very important to him. He has always had in his mind that he was a certain kind of person: one who was trustworthy, honest, dependable, kind, and of good moral character. When he looks in the mirror now he does not see that person. He says he doesn't even recognize the person looking back at him.
Yeah. Lily's definitely onto something. She keeps calling me insightful, but Lily (and you too, Matilda) sure have your fair share!
What your H (and Sage too) don’t seem to realize is that, yes, they lost their integrity. No doubt about it. BUT… It doesn’t have to stay lost. Once they start behaving with integrity, its back.
quote:Originally posted by matilda: And for your H, too, I think that once he's able to forgive himself and start to restore his integrity he will start to like himself again, start to love himself again, and that will open his heart to his love for you again. Like I said above, how can you love someone else when you don't love yourself (or even like yourself)?
OK. I said that I thought that this was an oversimplification. But, having said that, I do agree that the whole guilt thing can close your mind – if not your heart. If your mind is clouded with all of these guilt feelings, you don’t even have time to think in loving terms.
