Quote: For all would be blues performers and songwriters, here is a Starter Kit.
Writing the Blues
Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning..."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to start a blues song, unless you follow it with something nasty in the next line, as in "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
The blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, like "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town, teeth like a baracuda and she weighs 500 pound."
And remember, the blues is not about choice. If your ass is in a sling, your ass is in a sling - ain't no way out.
Blues Transportation
Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks are blues vehicles. Volvos, BMW's, and Sports Utility Vehicles are not. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state sponsored motor pools are not even in the running.
Walking also plays a major part in the blues life style, as does fixin' to die.
Who Can Sing The Blues
Teenagers can't sing the blues. They aren't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues vernacular, "adulthood" means being old enough to die in the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Where To Have The Blues
You can have the blues in New York, but not in Hawaii and or any place in Canada. Hard times in St.Paul or Tucson is simply depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City are the best places to have the blues. And you cannot have the blues in any place that doesn't have rain (except, perhaps, Texas).
You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by a dumpster.
Good places for the blues incude the highway, the jailhouse, an empty bed, and the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for blues include ashrams, gallery openings, Ivy League institutions, and golf courses.
Who Can Have Or Sing The Blues
A man with male pattern baldness doesn't have the blues - a woman with male pattern baldness does. Breaking your leg skiing is not reason for the blues. Your leg being broken by Guido the Enforcer is.
No one will believe you have the blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man and you have slept in it.
To sing the blues you should be old, blind, have shot a man in Memphis, or you can't be satisfied. You can't sing the blues if you have all your teeth; if you were once blind but now can see: if you have a retirement fund or trust fund, or membership at a country club. or the man in Memphis lives.
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also have a leg up on the blues.
Blues Beverages
If you ask for water and they give you gasoline, that's an acceptable blues beverage. Other acceptable blues beverages include wine, whiskey or bourbon, muddy water, and black coffee.
Unacceptable blues beverages include mixed drinks, kosher wine, Snapple, and sparkling water.
The Blues Death
If it happens in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, its a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another good blues way to die, as is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You cannot have a blues death if you die during a tennis match, shopping at Neimann-Marcus, or having liposuction.
Blues Names
For women - Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling.
For men - Joe, Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie.
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Rainbow, Rupert, Simon or Plantaganent cannot sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
You can create your own blues name. Use a physical infirmity (e.g. Blind, Cripple, Lame).
Combine with the name of a fruit (e.g. Lemon, Banana, Kiwi). For a last name choose that of an American President (Jefferson, Johnson, Clinton). For example, Cripple Kiwi Clinton or Blind Banana Jefferson.
Blues and the Computer
It doesn't matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues. You had better destroy it - with fire, with a spilled bottle of Thunderbird, or with a shotgun. Or maybe just get your big, old, mean, mistreatin' woman to sit on it, Lordy Lord! Then, you too, may have the right to sing the blues.
