"I'll think about it tomorrow!"

[matilda]

Andy,

I have thought about what you said. In my own, hopefully gentle way, I've told him enough is enough. Last night I mentioned that he needs to start focusing on the good things in his life and how to make those things even better (solution-oriented), and maybe he'll be able to stop thinking so negatively about himself. He needs some small successes, I think, in order to start rebuilding his self-esteem. I would think that realizing I care enough about him to work through this mess instead of kicking him out on his butt would be a small success, but somehow I think that just makes him feel guiltier, i.e. "How could I have done this to someone who cares so much about me?" Oh, well, you're right -- his problem. I'm doing all I can. I also told him (with a smile ) that he needs to lighten-up; he's bringing me down. He says he gonna try.

We go to MC this afternoon. I'm thinking about calling ahead and asking C to concentrate mostly on H's self-forgiveness today, and also to ask if how H feels about himself is affecting how he feels about me. After all, you can't love somebody else if you don't love yourself, right?
Lily,

I think you're onto something, also, about the integrity thing. What other people think about H is very important to him. He has always had in his mind that he was a certain kind of person: one who was trustworthy, honest, dependable, kind, and of good moral character. When he looks in the mirror now he does not see that person. He says he doesn't even recognize the person looking back at him.

He feels he has no credibility whatsoever. How can he teach our son's about moral character; about how important it is to be trustworthy and honest; how important it is to have integrity? He feels like a fraud. He feels like a failure to all of us, and most certainly to himself. This is a very difficult hurdle to overcome. I wonder if it can ever really be overcome.

With regards to Sage's "feeling alive" again, my take on it is he was feeling all those wonderful feelings that we've all had (albeit a very long time ago ) of infatuation. I wrote about it before I think in my first thread. About haven't we all longed for that rush we get from someone new who finds us attractive, sees all our wonderful qualities. That rush we get from the first kiss, etc. I think you know what I'm talking about. We've all been there. I think we've all longed for those feelings at one time or another. It can be intoxicating. And then you add into the mix the excitement of an A being "wrong," only having a few stolen moments to spend together, etc., and whala you "feel alive" again.

Maybe if your H's A had been allowed to run its course your H would have realized all this in the end. I think because the OW ended it abruptly he did not have time for the infatuation and the fantasy to wear off.

And for your H, too, I think that once he's able to forgive himself and start to restore his integrity he will start to like himself again, start to love himself again, and that will open his heart to his love for you again. Like I said above, how can you love someone else when you don't love yourself (or even like yourself)?

CHH (can't remember it that's right and didn't want to take the time to review the post!):

Thank you for posting to my thread. Yes, believe me, I've got all the answers I need to my H's A -- much more than was probably good for me. He was very honest and forthcoming when answering my questions. Too bad I didn't know when to stop asking!!

Matilda