If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
