Tracy, I'm another poster who's been gone from these boards awhile and do come back, feeling many exact feelings of yourselves.
Great advice Tracy, cat, --Can you pound it in my head for me also!
My sitch is also so familiar. WAH, MLC, A with OW 2yrs.--I must remind myself and also struggle with daily H chose ME to come back to 6 months ago. With our present R, I have great difficulty with forgiveness and I am still blaming H. He is doing so many 'right things' by his actions, but totally , and I mean completely nonspeaking of his A, the OW, the whys?, --actually everything. His guilt and depression are harder to handle when we the LB spouse feel we were wronged. For about a year, I actually pictured us running in a field in slow motion to each others arms and a reunion where we just totally adored each other all day and night------well we all know that will never happen, but I am a better person through all this, just like we all are learning about our resilience.
We tried MC, for exactly 2 sessions, and H literally hung his head in silence.--so I definitely will not push for that. I am realizing how much his guilt, and own issues are not enabling him to talk, but every so often I get rare bits, and want H to know I will be there to listen. Very strange that I only am realizing this now, --I am married 26yrs! and finding out so much about myself and H after all this time.
I am also struggling with forgiveness, yes it is a dark cloud over me that I want to get rid of. I keep thinking if we cannot talk about the A and what led up to it, how it ended, what was she that I was/am not? --that I/ We would not have closure. still not sure.
I am trying to focus on the many positives we have now, small as they may be. My H is a man of actions, not words, and probably many of our spouses are also. The book " 5 Languages of Love", is a definite enlightment for myself. I always assumed what I needed or wanted from my H, was the same for us both.
Now I am still working on patience, and I think my roller coaster may have less downhills if I can also work on forgiveness and just release this OW and A out of my mind. Yes, it would be a great gift for ourselves. I am trying to replace just simple joys with the dark thoughts.
for example: If an OW thought comes in my head, I try to deliberately think of H & I sitting by a fire, quietly. just being together. or picture H & I walking on a beach. Sort of the same "obcessive" techniques we were told on these boards on how to stop the OW from taking over our brains. I still need to be very deliberate and push her out of my head, maybe someday she and the A will only briefly come through, but for now it is a conscious mind game with her.
That's why I have decided to keep up again with the support here, Wishing you all strength and patience too.
