Wilma encouraged me to read the booke "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, Ph.D.
Sage has talked about how he doesn't regret his Affair. He refuses to talk about the when, where, hows. He said for me to give him two years and then he'll be able to explain how the affair changed him; made him feel alive.
24 months of not knowing what in the world he's talking about w regard to his feeling alive again.
Ok. I really don't have a choice.
I would rather be happy (in an R with Sage) than right (knowing the details).
This book mentions monagamy. We all know that w our marriage vows we promise to "love, honor, and obey" the spousie until death do us part.
We make a vow to someone else. If we break that vow then we do emotional damage to the one we love.
Something else happens. If we break that vow we are also breaking a vow to OURSELVES to be monagamous.
I think here lies the source of the self-loathing that our Hs deal with when they look in the mirror. They have compromised their personal integrity.
I think I'm on to something here, Matilda.
What I want for my H is for him to be an honorable father for our Son. I want him to regain his sense of personal integrity so that he can "be all he can be".
I care. I think it's called mutuality but I'll have to check that.
I've read elsewhere that these spousies sometime have trouble recommitting to the R unless they "know" that they are accepted as is.
I told Sage yesterday that I wouldn't change a thing about him. Then I laughed as we exchanged that look about his not loving me. I then told him that I couldn't change that. We shared a 'couple' laugh.
Matilda,
This book is also helping me understand why Sage was led to look elsewhere. I still have much to read and process but it is helping me.
Maybe you'll read it. Maybe it will help you find the peace of mind and heart that you long for these days.
My best to you, dear Matilda!'
Also, our C had me draw a line to help me establish respect for me. She asked me to name what would cause me to kick Sage out.
I told him another affair. It's taking everything I've got to get past this one and I don't have it in me to do it again.
That gave Sage a boundary. He repects it.
I don't like living w a forced boundary. I think that Sage doesn't like it either. I am going to ask our C when and how to properly remove that boundary and let Sage be responsible for his own integrity in our R. I think that Sage regards this as part of a discipline and it doesn't set well. C might say that the verbal boundary should exist. I seek her guidance on this. Sage has told me that he's not going anywhere; not leaving the marriage. That's a statement supporting his integrity. Ah, this is confusing me. Actions speak louder than words. Wait, Lily. Wait.
