Well, last night I guess I jumped on the hormonal rollercoaster (didn't know it at the time). I was having thoughts of not being able to live with what H has done no matter how much I love him. I was thinking that at some point I'd have to take a stand for myself (much like my confrontation with the OW) with H because I was feeling that his disloyalty was just too much for me to live with. I have very strong feelings of loyalty and regard is as a very important trait in people.

Well, I manged to keep all my feelings to myself, but I guess I was a little quiet and withdrawn all evening. H noticed - kept asking me what was wrong. I'd just look at him with that "what do you mean" look and say "nothing." When we went up for bed, H asked if I'd like my back rubbed. Later when lying in bed he said, "Damn, I was going to put on music while I was rubbing your back. I forgot again." So, I don't know. Maybe he just doesn't remember some of those things, but the other things he does (like back rubbing!) is pretty good [Razz]

This morning I woke up with the beginnings of a hormonal migraine and I realized that was the basis for yesterday's negative thoughts and feelings. The big difference is, is that now I can ride out that time without a big emotional scene with H regarding the A. Hopefully, as each day, week, month passes without one of those scenes both of us will be able to get over it.

Andy, do you think this is a game he's playing? I've wondered that sometimes myself. Is he trying to make me feel sorry for him with this attitude of his? Maybe at least subconsciously, because I do believe he's dreadfully sorry about the pain he's caused me, and I do believe he's mortified about his actions. But, gosh, like you said, enough already.

Some of his problem also stems from the fact that he hates his job right now. Every day is a struggle for him to go into the office. There was a reorganization in his company last December and he was moved for a job he really loved and felt was worthwhile to the one he presently has. This was just two months after dropping the bomb on me and, of course, the emotions surrounding that were still extremely high. I think (and so does MC) that he went into at least a mild depression at that time. I'm not sure that he's come completely out of it yet. H doesn't think so, but what do men know [Wink] . So he's not only feeling like a failure regarding his personal life, but also his professional life. Pretty hard on a guy, huh? Can't feel too sorry for him, though. He brought on a lot of the problem himself (personal life).

Mattie