Hi, Pfroglady. Thanks for always being there for me.
No, I don't really think my H did the little things I'm talking about before his A. I've really tried hard to look back over my M and remember how things were, and he really isn't that much different than before. However, these are things we've talked about over the years so that I didn't feel like all he wanted was sex. I guess he still doesn't get it. That worries me, cuz if he doesn't get it I'm afraid the cycle will start all over again.
I don't mean to make him out to be an orge, either. My H loves being with me, loves spending time with me. He has always bought very thoughtful and generous gifts for all the special occasions in our life. He has never forgotten an anniversary or a birthday, etc. He always has a wonderful card picked out for me. He always makes sure special days are just that -- very special. I'd just like for every day to be a little more special, ya know what I mean. I think I'm asking too much of him right now. I should be happy with what I have -- after all that's quite a lot. But, like I said above, I think in the aftermath of an A a little more needs to be done.
As I write that, I think back to just a month post-bomb. H wanted to take me for a little get-away (Hawaii!!) for a week. One day he was at a meeting where the OW was. He called me after having only been there for an hour and said he was leaving early. He didn't really need to be there, and he couldn't stand being anywhere near her if it wasn't absolutely necessary for work. So he left and went to Victoria's Secret and bought me a few goodies for our trip to Hawaii. He also surprised me with a ruby and diamond bracelet. He said the bracelet was to commemorate our first trip back to Hawaii since we were married there 18 years ago. I think it was a token of his heart- felt sorrow and regret for the pain he'd caused me.
There have been other things like that along the way. Everything I've asked him to do (like going to MC - which he totally hates to do), he's done without complaint. I really believe I'm nit-picking. I need to look at all the positives (funny, same thing I told him the other night!). The other stuff will come later.
The MC cannot quite understand why H is still refusing to forgive himself. Right now he says once I'm (Matilda) better, H will be able to start letting go of the guilt and start forgiving himself. I don't know. This guy can really carry it.
This weekend we went to see "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez. The H in the movie is having an A (multiple), and hits his W. When JLO first discovers the A she went through and said much of the same stuff I did. I could feel H's misery. After the movie, he brought it up on his own. He said he wanted to run out of the theater. I didn't reply. I just let the subject drop. I hope he's learning that he can open up to me about some of his feelings and I'm not going to jump all over him and bring up a big discussion about the A.
This weekend has been very good. I do see a rather long road ahead of us in our recovery, though. I guess that's okay. I've just always been such a "want it right now" person. I want things right and good again right now!! That's just not gonna happen -- not for him, not for me. Because, of course, I still have my bad times (much less frequent and much better at handling them now).
Well, gotta go. H made coffee and wants to snuggle on the cough and watch T.V. Sounds good to me.
