I do love my H, Lily. Of that, I'm sure. I do still wonder, though, if love is enough. I've told my H how much I love him. I've told him I can't imagine a future without him. He tells me I'd be better off without him. He says it would drive him crazy if that were my decision, but that is, after all, what he deserves. I tell him I'm the only one who can make the judgement of how I'd be better off.
I have had thoughts of maybe not being able to live with this. I have had thoughts that too much pain has been inflicted. I have had thoughts that I may never fully trust him again -- never fully trust in his love for me again. Maybe somehow he's picking up on those thoughts? Maybe he knows if the roles were reversed and I'd been the one to have an A that these are the thoughts he'd have.
We did have a conversation yesterday dealing with needs being met. There are some things I've mentioned to him for a long time now that I "need" from him. He cannot seem to "remember" to do these things. I interpret that as him not loving me enough to make my needs important enough to remember. I mentioned to him that I think I've been doing a pretty good job at meeting his needs since well before the bomb. He agreed. He says he has everything he wants and needs from me.
I tell him I get hurt and resentful when I put so much effort into making sure his needs are taken care of, yet he can't seem to "remember" something as simple as putting on music in our bedroom instead of turning on the t.v. , or any other small little thing during the day that means "I'm thinking about you" BEFORE getting into bed at night. I'm sure you know what I mean. The little affectionate things that just show intimacy and love without sexual overtones. Bottomline, I feel he's still so wrapped up in himself and how he feels that he can't respond to my feelings and desires at all. He's so burdened by what HE's done and how HE feels so incredibly worthless that he isn't able to understand that maybe if he'd stop thinking about himself long enough to try to ease my pain, that that will in turn help him in the long run also.
Oddly enough, as I've said in prior posts, it may just be that the demise of our R will not be because I can't "get over it," but because my H can't get over it!!
I'm backing off big time this weekend. No pressure. Just friendship. We'll see what happens.
