H came over this weekend and spent the night. He was with me and the kids for almost 24 hours and seemed very content. It was almost like "normal".
He was flirtatious, affectionate, and outwardly loving toward me. We made love twice and he slept in the bed with me. At one point, I gave him a massage and he said something about how we needed to go get massages together sometime. I thought that was weird. Isn't that something COUPLES do? Argh. I just said, "Yea, that would be nice." Later, he mentioned it again and when I acted confused about it, he said, "Well, don't you want a massage?" I said I did, but that I didn't understand why he wanted to do things together like that. He said, "Well, at least if you're there, I can have a hot chick give me a massage and there won't be any worries." WTF? Why does he care if I worry or not? I just told him I trusted him and left it at that.
I tried hard not to get into R talk, but it happened anyhow. After sex the second time, I started getting emotional. I tried to get away from him to get into the bathroom so that he would not see me cry. He pulled me into his lap and held me. He said, "Don't cry." I just told him that this was hard and he said, "I know. I just hate to see you cry." He went out to have a cigarette and I (stupidly) followed him and asked him, "What is going on between us?" He said he didn't know. When I asked him if he was confused, he didn't answer. Later, we talked more and there was a lot that he said that confused me. He admitted that we're in limbo, but then said that he couldn't guarantee that there was even a chance for us. When I mentioned that he was obviously having doubts, he didn't say anything. When I said that I was confused because I didn't know where we were going, he just said that he was giving me what I wanted (I had told him I could not have just a sexual relationship with him, that I needed more). I told him that I didn't want his charity, that I wanted him to WANT to do those things (being affectionate, for example) and he said he did want to do them. He got a little angry, but nothing serious. He just said that he was tired of reaffirming where we are every time we see each other. Obviously, it's easier for him because he KNOWS how he feels and I don't. He just kept saying he wanted us to be good to each other and enjoy what we have for now. That's hard for me, because I'm afraid he'll drop the other shoe any day now and things will be worse.
At one point, I said that if there's no chance for us, if he doesn't see us being married in the future, then we should just file for the D and get it over with. He said, "Oh yea, like you have any prospects." I told him I didn't, but that wasn't the point. I just don't see the reason to work on something that has no future -- that was my point. He didn't say anything to that. He admitted to being confused and not knowing what he wants, but that he didn't want to talk about his feelings anymore.
In the morning, he was very affectionate. He hugged and kissed me several times before leaving for work. It was like he kept checking in on me or something. As he was leaving, he stopped at the calendar and looked at July. He pointed to our anniversary date (July 5th, NINE YEARS!) and said, "All of the important dates are in the middle of the week." I said, "What does it matter?" and he said, "Don't you want to go out for our anniversary?" I said, "I don't see the point in celebrating our anniversary when we're divorcing." To that, he said, "Well, would you rather go out and have a little fun or stay home and be depressed?" I see his point, but it's still really weird that he would even WANT to celebrate it. We started talking about the R again (ugh, I know!) and he just reiterated that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. He said he's depressed and that he doesn't want to live anymore, but that he won't kill himself because he needs to take care of me and the kids. I said I wanted him to be happy and he said, "I was happy spending time with you all this weekend." If he's happy HERE, then why does he want a divorce?!
Sunday, he called me twice to see how I was doing. Monday, I got no calls at all. Now it's Tuesday and he's supposed to be coming by tonight to drop off some money to me. I'm nervous and scared. And mostly, I'm confused. Does anyone have experiences like this where your H is saying he wants out, but he's still got one foot in the door?
