Well, we did have a little "talk" last night. Things are different concerning our love life. How can they not be? I don't necessarily like "different," but funny thing is that after awhile different becomes normal. Another funny this is that I didn't necessarily like "normal" before the bomb. I guess we'll find our zone again someday.

We seem to be a little wary with each other -- each one trying to read the other's mind about what to do or not do. If I don't seem interested (hardly ever!), H backs away without even attempting. That NEVER happened in the past. He would always try to get me "in the mood." That, of course, used to bug me big time. Now, that he doesn't do it it bugs me big time. Poor guy can't win for losing. What goes through my mind now is that he doesn't desire me as much as he once did, or as much as he desired the OW. But then in my logical mind I remember how even during his A he always wanted me. That never changed because of the OW. I also know (yes, I do believe him) that he would only be with the OW about once a month -- so I don't think his desire for her was that strong.

So we talked. Of course, H says he wants me as much as ever, but, yes, things have changed and he doesn't feel he has the RIGHT to pursue me or ask me for what he wants, etc. He also says age is a factor for him. He's just slowing down. (He's also been tearing up the tile kitchen floor and replacing it all by himself. I guess that could make him a little tired, huh?)

So after he explained these things to me I asked him, "Do you still have feelings for OW? Is that why you're a little distant from me?" (H doesn't think he's being distant. He told MC he thinks we're closer than we've ever been!) H replied, "No, absolutely not." I asked him, "Are you sure there's nothing there?" H replied, "I think I hate her. Well, maybe not hate, but I don't even like her." Pause, then "No, I hate her." After that he pulled me over on top of him and everything was fine again.

I am really nit-picking things apart here. Maybe I'm DB'ing too much. Looking at everything as baby steps, or as having secondary/hidden meaning. I know what you mean, Lily, I don't need to emotionally dump on my H. That brings us back to square one. Andy said a couple of posts up that he thinks my H is scared. H used that exact word last night. He's scared of a possible future without me and the kids. I've tried telling him that if I didn't want to work this out he'd have been gone a long time ago. I just need his help sometimes, ya know?

Anyway, I really am doing much better today. And that's a blessing because not that long ago the down side of the roller coaster ride would last for much longer periods of time. So I really do think my heart is healing.

Yes, Pfroglady, I remember what I said to you about being human. [Eek!] And I have no doubt that things are getting better. I just hate being dragged back into it all when I've been feeling so good for a while. I wonder if I will ever be able to think about it without my feelings being so intense. Hard to imagine.

Lily, I KNEW you're H still loved you. Yeah, so maybe it's buried way down under a pile of crap, but that pile is slowing being chipped away at by you and your loving DB'ing. Maybe next time you catch him saying it you should walk up to him with a big smile and just say, "I know you do."

Thanks everyone.

Matilda