Andy,

I'm sure I have contributed in some ways. Maybe without even realizing it. H tends to "hear" only what he wants to, I think.

Example: At last MC session H told MC that I keep say things like "if we don't stay together." Well, I couldn't for the life of me recall what he was talking about. Days later I remembered. In one of our conversations when we were discussing the ramifications of his A on our M I told him that "even if we didn't stay together" the pain would still be there. There was a lot more to it than that, but what I was trying to get across was that leaving him would not "fix" me. It would not make me better; it would not make the hurt less; it would not make me happier. I was trying to tell him that the pain would be even deeper because I would have lost my best friend, my lover, my husband. I guess that part didn't come across. What he took away from the conversation was that I "always" say things like "if we don't stay together," and that keeps him off balance.

But I think you're right. He's in his own private hell, which he created all on his own and he's going to have to fix it all on his own. I'll do my best not to contribute to it. I'll do my best to just keep loving him and supporting him. Although, sometimes I think that just makes it worse for him. It makes him feel more guilty and more worthless because I've handled myself with dignity and compassion for him about this (most of the time!). Maybe I ought to get really, really furious -- throw him out and make him earn his way back home. Maybe then he'll feel like he deserves me. [Wink] Well, I don't think I have the strength to do that, so he'll have to deal with it in his own way.

Mattie