Well, I think this new "I'll think about it tomorrow" thing is just what I needed to really move forward, and I think I've figured out why.
In the past when I'd tell myself to just not think about it all, it doesn't matter, it's in the past, etc., my over-analyzing logical brain would balk at that idea and MAKE me think about it all the time. Now, if I conjole myself with, "Hey, I just don't want to think about it NOW, but I will think about it later. I'll think about it tomorrow," I've satisfied that part of my brain that needs to pick things apart -- "Okay, well as long as I can think about it tomorrow I'll let it go for now." Make sense? Sure seems to make sense to me, cuz it's been a lot easier to stop the bad thoughts lately.
I do need a little advice. Last night during a fun and friendly exchange with H in the kichen while tearing up tile off the floor, I said to him, "Are you afraid of me?" I'm not sure what made me say that. I can't remember if it was a look or a word or just what it was that triggered that statement. H replied, "Yes, a little." I asked him why. He said, "Because you have all the power." I told him that I didn't want all the power; that I wanted us to be equal partners in the M. He said that he doesn't see it that way, right now; that the pendulum has swung way out of gilter with me being way on top with all the power over him, and him being all the way at the bottom. I didn't say anything else about it, dropped it. Just gave him a hug and a kiss and went on my way.
What I'd like is some advice about how to even out this power thing. I believe this is the thing that keeps H a little distant from me -- waiting to see how I'll use that power. Maybe it has to do with him feeling I really have forgiven him. I'm not sure it will be as easy as that, though. He is being very hard on himself over this. I know he hasn't forgiven himself. I'm not sure he will ever completely forgive himself.
So if anyone has any suggestions for me, I'd certainly appreciate it.
