More accurately ... how can I prevent his horrible self-definition from letting him continue this? He says, in essence, that he has been so unfair and disrespectful to me and everyone else and that he is such a complete screw-up that he will never be any different so he can do the "best" thing for me by leaving me.

Update on events ...

H and I just came back from a couple of nights away in Chicago. There was a fair amount of drama before he left with me ... He told me two weeks ago that he would go with me (this was a mini-business trip for me). Throughout Thursday, I started hearing that he had too much to do at work to take a day off, he needed to call his boss (who is traveling in Europe) and had to be at the office to do that, he had to help a friend hang a ceiling fan, etc. and I could see the set-up coming for him backing out because there was too much to do. I told him fairly early Thursday morning that I was leaving at 5 and he could be there or not.

He was here ... and saying that now he thought he should drive up on Friday and meet me and then we could both drive home on Saturday. I said no deal ... either go with me or don't, but quit playing games.

Well ... he went with me. And, it turns out that he never told the OO that he was going away with me, just that he would be too busy to get together for a couple of days. So, the OO called *my* cell phone to ask to talk to H on Thursday night and then promptly hung up when I said "sure" and handed the phone over. Whatever ... you would think that the OO was 12 instead of 42.

Also turns out that the OO's birthday is tomorrow, so H was concerned about getting back from Chicago in time today for the birthday party.

Also turns out that H would be "in trouble" for going away with me for an overnight stay. H still has not told the OO that he was with me for two nights. [How is it that I can feel even remotely bad for the OO being lied too?]

H says he loves me, says he wants to be with me, says he doesn't want a life with the OO if it means not being with me. Then says that he is afraid "to put in the effort to heal ourselves and each other" and have it all fall apart again. He (helped by the OO and the OO's friends and a number of other people) has filled his head with the idea that it would be best for me - and fairest for me - and the least hurtful to me - for him to just walk away and let me get on with my life. Like he thinks that he has screwed up too much to ever recover our relationship, so why bother trying? But then he says that of course it's worth it ...

I know that I can't control him, or change his mind about what he's doing ... but he seems to have a blind spot and deaf ear to hearing me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can "make him see" that the only right thing to do in this situation is to work with me to work through some of our issues, even if all he is in it for is to provide "closure"? He has it in his head that it is "right" to "allow me to move on" and "let me cut my losses."

And ... I know that I can't really "make him see" anything. But I want to ...

I guess what I need is for Dr. Phil to tell him that he hasn't earned his way out of this marriage yet and that he has more work to do before he can leave.

-- Kacee

P.S. Chicago was a combination of a whole lot of fun and some really intense conversations ... glad he went with me, but I hate feeling like *I'm* the OO.