Ultimatum triggered ... now what?

[Kacee]

SuperStressed:
I have read DB ... not DR. I have been dark for almost four weeks, with the exception of the communication that he and I agreed to at the beginning and what he has initiated otherwise.

I'm in a position that is difficult to explain: I absolutely do not want this marriage to be over, but meant what I told him when I said that we would be over if he went to Florida. The fact that he was willing to do that says to me that he thinks we have so little worth saving that he would risk it all to see what might happen with the OO and that it was more important to keep growing that relationship than to work on ours. If he feels otherwise now, and is willing to cut off all contact with the OO and start working on us instead, then we might get somewhere. I just don't see him making that commitment when he is in the mindset that took him to Florida in the first place. Without that, I have to move on with my life. What I'm afraid of most is that, while he regretted going when he was on the plane, that after eight days with the OO, he may not be regretting it any more and will decide that the OO was, in fact, "better."

GH:

Where to start? While my list was not direct quotes from him (he is far too conflict-avoiding to even begin to tell me half of that) I think it is an accurate representation of how he feels, from what he has told me and what he has told others ... and even from what I know about myself. I know that I am all of those things ...

How about posting those answers.

It's not that my answers to the "charges" are because I think they are untrue ... it's that there is another side to the story. This is all just a circle, isn't it?

First example: I'm in charge of the finances because they come "easily" to me and it just makes sense for me (the tax/math/detail-oriented person) to take care of them. This means that he doesn't have to take responsibility for them and eventually feels that I don't think he is capable of doing so which makes him resent me for being controlling so he "acts out" and does something irresponsible that proves why I have to be in charge of the finances.

Second example: He has a hard time at work because he is in a very detail-oriented job but has pretty severe attention deficit disorder, which was never treated, so we managed it as well as we could, and he would end up letting things slide at work and have to ask me for help to finish this or that project which I would do which would make him feel like he couldn't do his job and that I could do it better. Etc.

But ... I know I have to change all of those things, whether to maintain a relationship with him or to avoid screwing up my next one. Controlling b*tch doesn't go over too well for too long. I may have an excuse for why I do the things I do, but that doesn't change the fact that I do them and they are making him unhappy.

Sometimes the only way people learn to make better decisions is to make a crap-load of bad ones.

This past six months is probably the first time in his life that he has actually made decisions instead of having someone else make them for him (not always me, but usually) or having "life" make them for him because he waited too long to make a choice. I guess he has to get through his bad ones now.

read Mars/Venus ... difference between men and women in general ...

OK, I am ordering this now because I've just had a blinding flash of the obvious (as my father would say). I have always assumed that my communication style was way more Mars than Venus. It is, on the surface. Way more dangerous, though, I have also been assuming the opposite ... that his is more Venus than Mars. What if I'm wrong?! What if reading that would tell me not only more about how he thinks/communicates, but more about me?

BTW, do you REALLY think he is capable of this, or do you just hope he is?

Right now ... he isn't capable of handling finances or much of anything else. He doesn't even remember to eat and is only sleeping about 3 hours a night. He is physically falling apart. But, he's doing it on his own and with his own money for food/lodging/expenses, etc. I can't just hand over financial control to him for everything, not now, but he at least has control over his own stuff. He is also taking meds for the ADD for the first time ... they have been wonderful for work, but make it easier for him to not eat and not sleep, so somewhat of a catch-22 there.

it seems like there is a dynamic here where BOTH of you think you are superior to him

Limb or ice or whatever ... this is very accurate. My skills and strengths are those that are "traditionally" rewarded ... I had a very successful first career traveling around the world, was a super star at work, and am now in law school and doing very well there ... everything that I am good at translates easily into visible signs of success ... money, career, etc.

He speaks four languages, is an incredibly talented singer and actor and has acted on stages throughout the world. But, acting/singing is a "dreamers" life and doesn't pay the bills and speaking four languages doesn't do much good if you can't concentrate long enough to finish a task. For the past three years while I've been in law school, he has worked as an admin assistant ... a job that is the antithesis to who he is. I think we both forgot that it was temporary. I was always the main and often sole income earner. Before going back to school, I would tell him that if he would do what needed to be done to get me through, then I would again be earning a living sufficient for both of us and he could get back on stage and "play." How horrible.

It has only recently come to me how soul-destroying that probably was ... even though what I meant at the time that we would be able to get back to a point where he could follow his dreams instead of being behind a desk.

What I would rather see now, but am afraid that may be too late, is that he find a way to use those incredible talents of his to also be successful in the more traditional sense ... own & manage a karaoke bar, or own & manage a production company to stage plays and musicals ... turn the "dreamers" life into a "grown-up" one that still lets him be who he was meant to be and make use of his own unique set of talents.

All I can do now is hope that he comes through his current crisis with the OO so that we can start working on our numerous issues and head out towards a new life instead of being back where we were.

I just keep thinking about the life we could have if we were building each other up and supporting each other with our differences instead of being dysfunctional and codependent.

-- Kacee