Great post Kacee. BTW, I ran into your other thread as I was bumping around. Sorry, I didn't realize you had one.
Quote: So: his version of what I'm doing wrong would be something like this, as far as I know -
Ok, well unless he's told you these things and that's what you are posting to us, quotes from him, I would suggest that you DO feel this way/are this way. A lot of this sounds like how YOU feel rather than how HE feels. Could that be?
You said you could answer each of these charges. If that's true, then does that mean you think they're untrue to a certain extent? How about posting those answers. I think it may help separate what is really an issue you need to address from the things HE may feel, but are truly off base.
Quote: I am making very positive changes in my life, and I will come out of this OK - with him or without him. I am going to the Y, I am going out with my friends from school and cultivating relationships that I never have before. I have actually participated in his karaoke shows - by singing in front of real, live people! - instead of sitting there doing my homework [trust me ... the singing thing was huge]. And so on and so on.
GREAT FOR YOU! This is essential, and I think you know that.
Quote: Where I am having trouble seeing what I can do is in trying to make our interactions "right" and what I can do to change some of my reactions to him when he is not making positive changes.
You may not be able to make your interactions "right" but you can control your reactions. You just have to learn your triggers and then work to identify them as they are happening. When you can identify a trigger as it's happening, i.e. him talking about finances which may put you on the defensive because you do so much work in that respect and how dare he question your handling of it (just an example, I have NO idea if this is close to your sitch), and then immediately control your reaction to it, allowing you to CHOOSE how to react, then you will achieve some success.
Quote: For instance, I am trying to show that I respect his decisions ... I told him that I thought he made the right decision to move out a few weeks ago and have validated the choices that *he* has made about how much contact we have and validated his very real complaints about our relationship. I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job of validating the Florida thing though.
This is a sticky place for me too. I think we both have to be careful, especially since both of our spouses have accused us of being controlling (and my W has said I act like her father more than husband), not to come across as being "proud" of them for things. I am trying to figure this one out myself, but from what you posted, it seems like he may be taking it this way, hearing something like "Honey, I'm SO proud of you for finally taking a stand for yourself, especially since you never do that. I want you to know I think that's great and keep it up!"
Quote: How do you show someone that you respect his decisions and life skills when you patently disagree with the decisions he is making?
Well, if you don't respect those things, it's pretty hard. I would say the question is can you live with him without passing judgment on his life skills and accepting the decisions he makes so long as they don't too negatively affect your life? Sometimes the only way people learn to make better decisions is to make a crap-load of bad ones. I think our problem tends to be that we feel like it's our job to help them not make those bad decisions. If you read Mars/Venus, it talks a LOT about how many men feel put off by unsolicited advice. Maybe there is a lot of that going on here?
Quote: How do you show someone that you are learning to appreciate his communication style when you don't talk to each other any more?
I don't know that you need to so much learn to appreciate his specific communication style so much as the difference between men and women in general. Someday, he may also have to learn these differences in order to manage his responses to them.
Quote: How do you show someone that you think he is capable of handling the finances and that you would actually appreciate the help when he has walked away from all involvement with the household?
Do you REALLY think he is? I suspect, since my W also handles all the finances and this is how I feel (please correct me if I am merely projecting on your sitch), that your H feels that you DON'T think he can handle the finances. More than that, I bet that has been communicated to him either directly or indirectly. Has he ever offered to help out? I know i have and am always told "It's ok, I've got it." Any chance that he's spent years feeling that you didn't think he could handle this? If so, it may take more than you saying once or twice "Hey H, could you help me with this" before he feels that you trust him in this respect and are not just blowing smoke up his arse.
Quote: How do you show someone that you think he can be self-sufficient when he is running at break-neck speed towards a physical meltdown?
You can't. You can only set an example and maybe try to nudge him in that direction, but I don't think we can control our WAS's or directly "help" them pull out of whatever they are going through. At least that's what DB/DR tells us, and I am inclined to believe it.
BTW, do you REALLY think he is capable of this, or do you just hope he is?
Quote: How do you show someone that you are giving him the privacy that he asks for when all you can do is say, "trust me ... I'm not snooping"?
Again, you don't, or well, you do by just NOT SNOOPING. Maybe let him change the password to his email. Have him set up a new account with Hotmail or something. I think this is just one case where you just have to have the personal integrity to follow through on what you say and if he believes you, great, if not, well...
Quote: He has noticed the positive changes that I am making for myself, but I think that it may be coming across as yet more of me looking out for myself and leaving him in the dust. I don't know how to show him that I can - and am - learning to love him "better." I don't think that he believes I can.
Ok, I am going to tread on thin ice here, go out on a limb, and any other cliche you want to use to say I may not know what the hell I am talking about.
From what I read, it seems like there is a dynamic here where BOTH of you think you are superior to him. I think for any progress to be made, and for you to "love him better" that dynamic needs to change. I think you know that, but I also think, honestly, that you still feel superior to him in many ways and that is slowing your progress. Maybe you ARE superior to him in many ways but it may serve you better to concentrate on the things he IS good at, things that maybe he is better at. You fell in love with him for some reason, and it's THAT reason(s) that make him your equal in all this, not his skills on the web or finances.
