Quote: What have YOU discovered about your part in all this and what changes are you going to make to better yourself, and in turn, maybe better your situation, with or without him.
Let's assume for a moment that all the problems in the marriage were my fault. I know that he screwed up his fair share of things as well, but also know that I can't change any of that ... only myself.
So: his version of what I'm doing wrong would be something like this, as far as I know -
I am too controlling.
I am "in charge" of everything. We live very near the edge financially, and I "have" to keep a tight rein on all spending just to keep afloat. I do not trust him to handle any of the finances, or even to tell him "where" the finances are located.
I don't respect him. I think he's flaky and virtually incapable of doing his job ... or at least doing his job "right" (that is - the way I would do it).
I don't care what he has to say ... when he is telling me something, I am impatient and anxious for him to get to the point instead of listening to the details. He feels he is wasting my time when he speaks.
I have no friends of my own and no social life that is not intertwined with his.
I think I'm better than most of his friends because they have dead-end jobs, or get evicted for not paying rent, or get pregnant by the latest boyfriend. I judge their situation and by doing so, judge them.
I don't respect his choices and decisions. I think that he is virtually incapable of making a "good" choice or decision (i.e. well-reasoned and thought out).
He has no privacy in his life because I have constant access to everything. I pay all of the bills, so I see the charges, the cell phone records, the home phone records, etc. I am the "webmaster" for our email domain and have clear access to his email. I am a computer expert that can get access to whatever of his other information that I want. We are on IM virtually all day, every day so I know when he gets to work, when he gets up from his desk for more than ten minutes, when he leaves, and so on.
I complain about not having much of a sex life (good when it happens, but infrequent) but I don't "take care of myself" [his subtle way of telling me I need to lose weight ... he's right].
I think that he's basically irresponsible and unable to really take care of himself if left to his own devices.
I could, of course, come back with perfectly reasonable answers to all of the above, and explain exactly why he's wrong in thinking all of that and create a list of what he needs to change, but I've tried to keep my editorializing to a minimum.
I am making very positive changes in my life, and I will come out of this OK - with him or without him. I am going to the Y, I am going out with my friends from school and cultivating relationships that I never have before. I have actually participated in his karaoke shows - by singing in front of real, live people! - instead of sitting there doing my homework [trust me ... the singing thing was huge]. And so on and so on.
Where I am having trouble seeing what I can do is in trying to make our interactions "right" and what I can do to change some of my reactions to him when he is not making positive changes. For instance, I am trying to show that I respect his decisions ... I told him that I thought he made the right decision to move out a few weeks ago and have validated the choices that *he* has made about how much contact we have and validated his very real complaints about our relationship. I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job of validating the Florida thing though.
How do you show someone that you respect his decisions and life skills when you patently disagree with the decisions he is making?
How do you show someone that you are learning to appreciate his communication style when you don't talk to each other any more?
How do you show someone that you think he is capable of handling the finances and that you would actually appreciate the help when he has walked away from all involvement with the household?
How do you show someone that you think he can be self-sufficient when he is running at break-neck speed towards a physical meltdown?
How do you show someone that you are giving him the privacy that he asks for when all you can do is say, "trust me ... I'm not snooping"?
He has noticed the positive changes that I am making for myself, but I think that it may be coming across as yet more of me looking out for myself and leaving him in the dust. I don't know how to show him that I can - and am - learning to love him "better." I don't think that he believes I can.
