This post is for everyone who thinks DB is ONLY about themselves.
A lot of people advise others to forget their SO and concentrate on themselves. I don’t disagree with this. It’s good advice and absolutely necessary in a lot of situations. Most of us are willing to do anything to save our R. Often, that means detaching and working on ourselves. The benefits of this strategy are that it gives our S the space they crave while facilitating our own personal growth. If we come out with a new and improved R, the individual growth developed by both of us is what makes the R work. If the R can’t be saved, then our own personal growth gives us the strength to move on with our life.
But, that’s not the whole story.
Last September, I posted my R goals. A lot of people chided me that these weren’t my goals. These were things that I wanted from my W, and I can’t force her to feel or behave the way I want. For example, one of my “goals” was that W would call me at work. There’s no way I could make her do that.
As readers of my threads know, it’s been very difficult for W and I to have any one-on-one time. The only time slot available seems to be early in the morning when I make coffee. This routine isn’t as successful as I would like, since it’s difficult to talk unless my exhausted W is lucid (not happening lately), and we aren’t interrupted by the kids (also pretty rare).
This morning, instead of making coffee, I left the bedroom, locked the door behind me, and kept S#2 quiet until it was time for me to go to work.
So, there’s Andy sitting at his desk when the phone rings. Guess who called to chat?
The moral of the story is simply this…
Though it’s true that you can’t make someone do something, you can change your behavior in such a way as to make them want to do something. Don’t confuse the ends with the means.
By all means, do not try to force a certain behavior on your S. That’s the fast track to failure.
But… slowlee, slowlee (it took me eight months for this) become the person that your S will want to do things with. Y’know? She didn’t call me because I wanted her to. She called me because she wanted to.
This “call me at work” thing may seem trivial. Fact is, compared to last September, it is. I’m not so desperate for it, and that’s precisely why she did it.
The irony is astounding, but that’s the way life is, isn’t it?
