How do I behave around my cheating husband?

[cat03]

hope you get to go to your friend's, you need a break!

I do remember loosing it fairly often about something as simple as an accidental kick or hair pulling by my 2 kids, it's your nerves hon, I understand.

I'd ask about the movie casually without accusing, you can even tell him you plan on watching it on ny's .

[MonicaP]

Thanks Cat03.

Your support is so helpful!

I'm going to go read your thread and imLIN's too.



Have a great day!

[MonicaP]

Hi,

I just sent an email to my H who is (supposedly) out of country on business - asking him to communicate more regularly about our joint finances. We have been S for nearly 10 mos and still have a joint bank account. I suspect that he has opened a sep account, but won't admit it. Up until this month he has been depositing a "fair" amount into "my" account and so I haven't put pressure on him about seeing his pay statements as proof of what he makes. But, now he says he can only pay about 1/2 of that due to his credit card debt which he claims he has been living on. I think he's squirreling money away, yet he still uses "my" account for small debits. Ugh!

I have an appt with a bankruptcy atty this week and need to find a divorce atty to learn my rights. I NEED my finances to be secure and cannot trust H to give me the whole picture.

In my email I said that I didn't think it was fair that I have to wait to hear from him as to whether his check has been deposited in my account while he is out of country. I need to pay rent and childcare and without his check I don't have the funds to cover it on my own.

I'm wondering how much pressure is ok to put on him - from the perspective of DB'ing? I still have this miniscule amount of hope (dilusion) that there's a chance H may come to his senses and want to save our M afterall. LOL! So, I guess want to be careful how I proceed with divorce atty, etc.

My H can be so defensive at this smallest thing, sometimes no matter how "nice" I am he takes it personally. I just don't want to be a total doormat!

Any advice would be welcomed.

[MonicaP]

I just need to write tonight...

Today was a particularly trying day w/ my S4. Since H has been on business trips for 2 weeks now I have had no breaks. This weekend my S4 was impossible! He deliberately hit me, threw things at me, and was generally very defiant. I ran out of patience and really yelled at him. I don't believe in spanking or otherwise and usually just send him to his room for "a break". But I was feeling so angry at him (or his behavior) and started feeling really sorry for myself.

The last thing I wanted was to be a single mom, and I didn't think I was going to have to be one. I was so happy when my H and I found out we were going to have a baby. I was thrilled that I was going to break the cycle of divorce in my family and be able to provide my child with a mom & a dad - ha!

It is still really difficult for me to see happy couples or happy families. I just miss my family. My H and I spent a lot of time w/ S4 from the beginning - we were so happy I thought. Guess I wasn't seeing the full picture.

Well, tomorrow marks 1 year since H met Ow. I know this because of a website I found where he describes when and how they met. And I was an idiot! I encouraged him to go out with his friends that night.

H is supposed to come over tomorrow night after business trip. I just hope I don't fall apart.

Luckily I have to work tomorrow - the only break I get

I'm going to call a divorce atty for a free phone consultation tomorrow too. I need to move forward and find out what my rights are.

[cat03]

Hey therey, dont' beat yourself about how he met OW, you were just being a good wife by letting him have time w/friends, I also let my H spend the night elsewhere once a week thinking he was just playing basketball w/friends, he was in reality drinking and having contact w/the person who became OW later. Don't you blame yourself for ANYthing do you hear me? he isn't a child, he made his decision, and it could've happen any other time, not only that night.

As for the finances, I also was very aprehensive about how much I could ask from my H when he was away. Make a budget with exact figures and let him know how much is his responsability, if he says he doesn't have money just tell him that's how much child support would cost if you file for it. It did create some friction and my H wasn't happy either, but I didnt' let him off the hook on that one.

LIttle boys are very trying, my boy was very active and strong willed as well. Instead of sending him to his room where there are plenty of toys to keep him occupied, place a chair on a corner and have a timer, set it for 4min and tell him he can't get up nor play until the timer rings. When you correct him MEAN it, kids know when you aren't really going to carry out your sentence. Look him in the eye, and in a calm voice tell him what you want him to do/not do.

You'll do good tomorrow, act casual, dont' expect anything over all, you can make it with or without him, remember that. Hugs))))) hang in there.

[MonicaP]

Hi Cat03,

Thank you!!! I really needed to hear all of this.

Your idea about the chair/timer for my S4 is great. I'm a little embarassed as I have a MA degree in Marriage, Family, Child Counseling - LOL I guess it's easier said than done. But I will try it!

I got a call this morning at 7:30am from H telling me "you have an email". He responded to my email about some charges that showed up on "our" account. One of them was a winetasting thing, the other a dessert place. I jumped to the conclusion that it was w/ Ow and told him I didn't appreciate it.

His email said "What the hell?" and he asked my why I was jumping down his throat, etc. I told him - and I'm not sure this was good DB'ing - that I was aware of today's date (the date they met last year) and that I was extra sensitive. I told him it isn't about anger, it's about sadness and loss and not wanting to see anything related to "her". I then mentioned that I was very sad to hear about the Crocodile Hunter's death - we used to watch that show together all of the time. I guess I just wish he would remember some of our good times!

Oh well. He will be over tonight and I will finally get a break after 2 weeks! I need it (and so does my S4)

I found a divorce atty I'm going to make an informational appt with. I need the facts on my rights. Thurs is the bankruptcy appt.

Anyway, thanks again for your support - it is soooo helpful.

Btw, where can i find your thread?

[superstressed]

Monica,

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time lately. I myself have come to the brink of filing for D several times. But hey, it ain't over 'til it's over. If you H is meant to come back, he will.

And I know how much money troubles can bring one down. Just remember it's only money. It's not love or happiness. Please, please, please find something to bring some joy to your life.

I cannot say everything with my H is great, but I can say that one of the turning points was when we spent the day at the arboretum. My H kept going on later about what a good time he had and how much he wanted to go back. I later found out it was because he said he hadn't seen me so happy in a long time.

Take heart my friend. Things can turn around even when they look most grim.


SuperStressed

[MonicaP]

Hi Superstressed,

It's good to hear from you. Thanks for your support.

I have moments, even days, of joy - mostly when I am with my S4 or with friends talking and laughing. I'm even enjoying my job, some of my co-worker's are great. Sundays are a real break for me when my H can watch our S4 all day (unfortunately he's been out of town the past 2 Sundays). I usually meet friends for lunch and sometimes I go to a local cafe which is really active w/ live music and lots of people. I take one of the spiritual books I am reading (a lot of Native wisdom right now) and soak in the sun.

This past Sunday some good friends came down w/ their 2 boys and we had lunch and then went for a little hike to a local farm. It was a lot of fun.

One of the hardest things for me is not having enough time to myself. It's easy for me to feel resentment toward H when I am pulling my hair out w/ my son's defiance. I need more adult time. I guess that's partly why I like my job so much

H emailed today requesting that he come down early to be w/ S4 after business trip - but leave early too because he's exhausted. Huh! He doesn't know the meaning of exhausted. Anyway, he didn't know that I started back to work F/T and thought he could just come over. I told him I didn't think it would be good for S4 to leave school early which really got H mad. I couldn't believe how angry he sounded. I think he felt like I was deliberately keeping S4 from him and that he had no say, but I truly just wanted S4 to have a "normal day" of school. In the end I caved and called the preschool to inform them I would be by w/ H to pick up S4 early (H has never seen S4's new preschool or met his teachers). It felt so awkward introducing him as "S4's daddy". I think I did say once "this is my H ___".

Anyway, when I got home H had made S4 and I dinner, said he wasn't hungry - but accepted the leftover's. He looked awful, tired w/ puffy eyes and just sort of "beat up". I noticed his wedding finger had a red mark on it - I think he's still wearing a ring that he got after we separated. I accused him of somehow being "married" to Ow, he claims it is a ring of mourning (as in, our marriage). Regardless, it has some Gothic crosses on it. It is so unnerving.

I did bring up the whole Sept 5th (1 yr anniversary of the day H met Ow) but he said it wasn't the date. He said, "you're right, but not exactly the 5th" or something to that effect. He said it in such a cold manner - like he was talking to someone he doesn't know.

Saving our marriage seems near impossible. H seems so angry with me - go figure. And so into the Ow.

I almost can't remember "us", it feels like an eternity since I had a conversation with the man I married. The man he has become is angry, defensive, cold, and hollow.

Well, I pray for all of us.

[cat03]

I just wish he would remember some of our good times!

my H is with me but still can't bring himself to remember the good times we had, I know it is hard

I'm in the "piecing" board. Is there a way to have your H's money automatically transfered to your own acct so that you are spared the details of what he does on his own time? it'd eat me too, (still does a bit, I find notes about where my H went when away)

Hope you get a break this Sunday, it is hard being the only one caring for the kids for most of the week. Hope he soon hits rock bottom and weans himself from OP, my prayers your way))))

[MonicaP]

I met w/ the bankruptcy atty today and can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately H and I didn't meet w/ MC tonight because H has bad rash and needs to see a doctor. I'm hoping it isn't contagious, maybe a bad case of eczema. Anyway, no doubt stress has contributed to it. We'll reschedule for next week.

Still, divorce is coming I feel. The words that he wrote in a recent email keep coming back to haunt me...

"I could no longer look into your eyes and feel like we belonged".

Maybe we really don't belong - maybe I'm supposed to move on. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and find that we are still together and happily married like we once were. But now those days seem so long ago...there's been so much pain and anger and lies and deception. I wonder if I could ever get over it given the chance. I just can't imagine us ever being able to feel that sort of carefree, giddy love again. I'm not saying that's the test, I just can't imagine him falling back in love with me, and me being able to trust him.

Well, I guess that's all needless worrying.

I feel good that I have started to take charge of my life (finances in this case) again.